


The 10-step Program For Reforming Villains

by NarutoRox



Category: Naruto
Genre: (mostly forced friendship), AU, AU (sort-of), Canon-Typical Violence, Characters know they're fictional, Comedy, Crack, Forced team-building, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Team Bonding, The Akatsuki in therapy, Therapy, canonical character deaths, slight insanity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 04:16:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2255574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarutoRox/pseuds/NarutoRox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever wonder what happens to your favorite villains, once they've been killed off or written out of their series? </p><p>Well, the Akatsuki are about to find out...with the help of two very troublesome therapists that simply don't know when to quit and their 10-step program for 'reforming' the Akatsuki. </p><p>Uh-oh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The 10-step Program

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this, then you've decided to stop and give this little piece of insanity I call a fanfiction a try. Thank you, I'm glad, and I hope I can make it worth your while! X)
> 
> I want to note that this takes place as if the characters know that they are anime and manga characters...not really AU, per say, as far as the storyline goes, but at the same time maybe a little. I'm not quite sure how to describe it...you'll have to read and see. :) Also, if you haven't been keeping up with the most recent Naruto manga, this will probably contain some spoilers of some sort.
> 
> Apologies for any spelling or grammar mistakes, for it seems no matter how vigilant I am, a few always slip through the cracks. I also want to apologize in advance to the mental health care community at large, for I fear the therapists I use in this story are VERY poor reflection on the actual trained professionals.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, evidenced by the fact several characters that never should have died did. However, I DO own the two ridiculous OC's in this fic...who shall be named below

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Akatsuki to meet their new therapists.
> 
> Neither party is very impressed.

"This is so _stupid_." Deidara growled.

Next to him, Sasori rolled his eyes.

They, along with the rest of the Akatsuki (Well, Deidara, Sasori, Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, Kisame, Konan, and Pain, anyway), were seated in a few cheap plastic chairs, all arranged in a circle so that they were forced to look at one another. Though at the moment, they were all staring at the smiling, sheepish man at the 'head' of the circle.

He had tiny little spectacles on, though he had yet to open his eyes the whole ten minutes he'd been there, and was starting to sweat-drop from the evil, scrutinizing glares the Akatsuki were giving him.

"W-well, I was trying to wait until my assistant got here, but she seems to be running a little late, so I suppose we can start without her..." the man said, laughing nervously. "I'm Dr. Mendo, and I'm sure you're all aware why you're here, but I think it's best if we all introduce ourselves, and-"

A door slammed, and everyone turned to see a woman with brown hair in a bun standing by it. "Sorry I'm late. I had to take care of the Arancar report." she said in a dull monotone, adjusting her glasses, which were huge and over-sized, like they were making up for Dr. Mendo's tiny ones. "I didn't think any of them would show up on time anyway. I'm assuming I didn't miss anything." She said her question like it was a statement, then walked up behind Dr. Mendo, and just stood there.

"No, no, I was just starting!" said Mendo, looking relieved. "Alright, everyone, this is my assistant, Miss Kusai. Now that she's here, we can get down to business, so-"

"Your names are actually _Mendo_ and _Kusai_?" asked Hidan incredulously.

"Um, yes. Why?" said Mendo, looking a little puzzled. The rest of the Akatsuki all stared at him a minute in disbelief.

"That's a confidence booster." muttered Sasori, leaning back in his chair.

"Uh, yes, anyway, as I was saying," Mendo said, still seeming a little puzzled. "Now, I know you all know why you're here, but I always find it better for the group as a whole if we voice our objectives and goals up front, so...Who can tell me why we're here?" he said, beaming at the group.

They all continued to stare at him, all with looks that clearly said 'You must be joking'. He made a little 'go on' motion with his hand and continued to beam at them, until Kakuzu said "Because Leader made us."

There were several nods from a few of the others. Mendo looked a little disappointed, then looked at Pain (who was in his real body), like he expected him to answer him now.

When he didn't, Itachi slowly raised his hand. "Yes, Itachi?" said Mendo, looking delighted.

Itachi sighed, and looked for minute like he wasn't going to answer, but eventually said "Because we're out of a job, and the others were starting to threaten to _really_ kill us if we didn't come here and get out of their hair."

Mendo sweat-dropped. "That's...not precisely the answer I was looking for, though from your standpoint, I suppose that's an accurate statement."

"Accurate? Please. I'm just here because Leader said we had to be, and I have nothing better to do, yeah." sniffed Deidara.

Mendo looked intently at him (or as intently as he could without opening his eyes). "But Deidara, weren't you just saying how stupid this all was a few minutes ago?" he asked.

"It _is_ stupid! I just don't have anything better to do!" Deidara snapped back angrily.

"More like nothing to do at all." sneered Hidan.

"Last I checked, you were stuck here too, hmmm?" Deidara retorted.

Hidan started to stand up, likely to punch Deidara while simultaneously showering him with colorful insults, but Kusai interrupted him.

"You're all here because you're _all_ jobless has-beens with nothing better to do." she said in her curt monotone.

"Miss Kusai!" Dr. Mendo protested as the Akatsuki all gave her shocked looks.

She shook her head. "They're clearly still in denial. They're going to have to face the music eventually. That's what they're here for." she said calmly. "This is a support group for villains that are no longer relevant to their series; who have been written out or killed off; who no longer play an important role, and are therefore now _completely useless_ to their series."

They all flinched at the slight emphasis she put on those words, but she carried on.

"In short, you're all here because Kishimoto decided to kill you off, and you're driving the remaining characters crazy, so they sent you to us. Attendance mandatory."

"It's not fair!" protested Deidara. "I was one of the favorite Akatsuki members, how come someone like Kisame gets to last for so much longer than me, hmmm?!"

"At least you weren't one of the first ones out." snapped Sasori. "I was killed by my Grandma, for God's sake!."

"I had no back story..." grumbled Kakuzu quietly.

"What's not fair is having to give up your prized sword to that rapping imbecile, that's what's not fair." complained Kisame.

"I was supposed to be immortal!" fumed Hidan loudly.

"I still get mentioned a lot, and people love me." said Itachi, sounding oddly content.

Konan and Pain both remained silent, though Konan's lower lip quivered slightly.

The rest continued their tirade, shouting at the world, Kishimoto, and each other in frustration until Mendo blew into a whistle that was fastened around his neck.

"This is good!" he called, as they all quieted down and took their seats again. "This is very good indeed, this means you're all getting all your frustrations out and into the air. The first step to success is acknowledgement. Now, I know you're all very upset right now but..."

He smiled at them. They didn't return the favor. He carried on anyway.

"But, I think this is the start of a new chapter of your lives! Think of all the places you'll go now! And with our help, and our special program, I think-"

"Special program?" Pain spoke for the first time. "What 'special program'? I wasn't informed of this..."

Mendo beamed. "Why, Dr. Mendo's 10-step Program for Reforming Villains! It's worked wonders on villains of all kinds, from all sorts of different series! Complete all 10 steps, and you'll be fit for modern society in no time!"

"...10-step...program..." Konan said slowly.

"For 'reforming' villains?" Sasori finished, in what sounded very close to horror.

"Yes! And you've all been signed up!" said Mendo cheerfully.

"Whether you want to be or not. Attendance mandatory." Kusai repeated, deadpan.

It was definitely horror on the each of the Akatsuki's faces now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't know what Mendo and Kusai's names mean...well, when said together, they tend to make up one of Shikamaru's favorite phrases. ;)


	2. Why You Became A Villain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you have to look deep within yourself to truly understand your life choices.
> 
> Just remember, the truth can hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to throw this out there: Reading and studying one highschool Psychology textbook, no matter how interesting, does not qualify me to make accurate Psychological evaluations of people, even fictional anime villains. So anything I write or Dr. Mendo says that sounds halfway intelligent on the topic is purely coincidental and a complete accident, I assure you. ;)
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and sadly never will, though I do own Mendo and Kusai.

Step 1: Acknowledgement

xxxxxxx

"Now, this is the very first step in our program." said Dr. Mendo, still sounding unbelievably cheerful.

They were all now seated on tatami mats on the floor, still in a circle (with the exception of Miss Kusai, who was sitting leaning up against the wall, scribbling in a notebook), each with a cup of (mostly untouched) tea in front of them. 'For comfort' had been Dr. Mendo's explanation, though the Akatsuki was still feeling far from comfortable.

"This step is also one of the most important, as well." Mendo continued. "For it will help us see how you got to this point to begin with."

"That's easy, I blew myself up." muttered Deidara.

Though Kusai looked up at him for a second before returning to writing in her notebook, Dr. Mendo either didn't hear him or was choosing to ignore him. Most of them assumed the former.

"This step: Acknowledging Why You Became A Villain."

"You _must_ be joking." sighed Kisame.

Again, Kusai's gaze flicked to him briefly, though she didn't pause in her writing. It was a little unnerving.

"Now, you will each take turns stating your names and why you think you became a villain. If it's something you're not sure of, we'll all talk it out as a group and see if we can delve deeper into the meaning." said Mendo, apparently completely unaware of the disgusted looks he was getting. "For example: 'I'm Dr. Mendo, and I became a doctor because I like helping people'. Just swap my name for yours, and 'doctor' for villain, okay? Who's first?"

Eight pairs of eyes glared at him. He really was oblivious to how much they wanted to kill him, wasn't he?

"How about you, Sasori?"

Sasori blinked at him. "Pass." he said.

"Now now, you can't pass. Everyone has to do this exercise." said Mendo in what they assumed was supposed to be a stern voice.

Sasori raised his eyebrows, then sighed dramatically and said "I have to think about the question, and sort out my feelings on the matter first. Can't you come back to me?"

Deidara gave him an incredulous look, but Mendo lapped it up. "Of course! We'll come back to you when you're ready. How about you, Deidara?" Sasori smirked at him.

Deidara bristled. "That's a stupid question. They asked me to join the Akatsuki, didn't they, hmmm?"

Mendo shook his head. "I didn't ask you why you joined the Akatsuki, I asked you why you became a villain. Use the statement with your name, please."

"What difference does it make, hmmm?!"

"It's important to your understanding and developement to put it in a simple statement with your name, thus helping us define it with your identity." said Mendo, nodding sagely. "Come now, your partner wasn't being difficult."

"Yeah, Deidara, don't be difficult." snickered Sasori. Deidara shot him a furious look, then turned it to Mendo.

"Fine." he said through gritted teeth. "If it will make you leave me alone. My name is Deidara, and I became a villain because I like blowing things up. There, you happy?"

Mendo nodded slowly. "Now, why would liking to blow things up classify you as a villain?"

"Uh, because it's _blowing things up_. You know, like 'kaboom'?" said Hidan, waving his arms a little for emphasis.

"Yes, but just because you like that sort of thing, it doesn't make you a villain." Mendo pointed out.

"Do you usually come to work high?" Hidan asked conversationally.

"It does the way I like it, yeah." said Deidara, answering Dr. Mendo.

Mendo ignored Hidan, and nodded at Deidara. "I see, so it's your, we'll say 'unhealthy', obsession with pyromania that turned you to the tide of villainy?" he asked very seriously.

"If I say yes, will you leave me alone and go on to someone else?" asked Deidara, a vein pulsing in his head.

Mendo sighed. "It's a start, we'll go back to it. Miss Kusai, put that down. Now, who's next? Any volunteers? No? How about you, Itachi?"

The Uchiha looked up from sipping his tea, a bored expression on his face. "Hn?"

"You're next. Go on!" he said, making a little 'go ahead' motion with his hand.

Itachi raised his eyebrows a fraction, then nodded, seemingly to himself, and stood up. He gave the room at large a long look, then announced "My name is Itachi Uchiha, and if you want to know why I became a villain then you should watch the Naruto anime or refer to the manga."

He nodded to everyone, then sat down and continued sipping his tea.

Several people snickered while Mendo blinked in confusion.

Eventually he seemed to realize he had been played, and grumpily told the next person to take their turn. Unfortunately for him, the rest of the Akatsuki decided to follow Itachi's example, and proceeded to give sarcastic (and yet mostly honest) responses as well.

"My name is Kakuzu, and I became a villain because the pay was good."

"My name is Nagato, also known as Pain, and I became a villain because Danzo is an ass."

"My name is Hidan, and I became a villain because killing people is fun."

"My name is Konan, and I became a villain because Nagato did as well."

"My name is Kisame, and I became a villain because I damn well felt like it."

Mendo gave a long-suffering sigh, his hand over his face, then turned to Sasori. "How about you? Are you ready to answer yet?"

Sasori smiled lazily. "Why, of course. Ahem." He stood up and gave Mendo a creepy smirk, and said "My name is Sasori, and I became a villain because apparently, it is frowned upon in this society to kill and turn people into puppets for use as your own deadly weapon. Or for fun. Go figure."

He stared at Mendo for a few seconds longer, and then sat down. To his credit, Mendo didn't seem fazed or (too) freaked out. He just nodded and looked over at Kusai.

"Get all that?" he asked.

She gave a swift nod of her head, then stood up to stand behind Mendo. She looked down briefly to consult her notes, then looked back up and pointed at Deidara.

"Pyromaniac." she said, before pointing at Itachi. "Masochist with a little brother complex." Konan. "Low self-esteem." Pain. "God complex." Kakuzu. "Greedy sadist." Hidan. "Homicidal Sociopath." Kisame. "Weird." Sasori. "Self-image issues."

They all stared at her, insulted. "In short, bat-shit crazy." she finished. Her dull tone never changed the entire time she had been talking.

"I don't have self-image issues!" fumed Sasori in outrage.

"I just get 'weird'?" Kisame protested, sounding oddly hurt.

" 'Bout cover's it." said Hidan with a yawn.

Kusai shrugged and sat back down.

"Well, now that we have all of that out into the open, we can work on it together! And then, when we all feel comfortable enough, we can move onto the next step!" Mendo said, clapping his hands together once.

"Dare I ask what that may be?" Itachi said warily.

It was Kusai that answered him.

"Learning How To Cope With Your Frustrations In A Positive Way."

"I'm guessing 'blow them up' isn't positive, is it?" Deidara asked.

"Killing them probably isn't, either." Kakuzu rumbled in agreement.

"Is there more tea?" sighed Itachi, as beside him Kisame continued to complain loudly about being branded weird.


	3. 10 Ways To Kill Your Therapists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out Mendo might be a fool, Kusai might be terrifying, and the Akatsuki might find planning murders to be very therapeutic.
> 
> No one is surprised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** You know the drill. I don't own Naruto, which is a shame, but I do own Mendo and Kusai.

After nearly a week of 'talking about their feelings on why they became a villain', Dr. Mendo finally decided that they were all ready for Step 2, Learning How To Cope With Your Frustrations In a Positive Way.

Well, probably more likely he was getting tired of the Akatsuki completely disregarding the exercises and dropping not so subtle hints about the terrible ways they wished to torture him. However, after Konan had burst into tears one afternoon, wailing that her life was over and had been wasted on meaningless tasks that overall accomplished nothing (which seemed to insult Pain a little bit), Mendo had told them due to this 'breakthrough', that they would get to move on to step 2. Konan's tears mysteriously disappeared after that, something Mendo seemed oblivious to, though Kusai had raised an eyebrow and made a few notes in her little book again.

The Akatsuki were starting to hate that book.

xxxxxxxxxx

Step 2: Coping

xxxxxxx

This was one of the few lessons the Akatsuki actually took to heart. For after two sessions of listening to Dr. Mendo babble on about 'healthy' ways for them to vent their frustrations that didn't include blowing something up, setting it on fire, or killing it outwardly, they decided that a healthy way to get rid of their current frustration (Mendo and Kusai) was to find new and exciting ways to kill them.

They even kept a little journal like Dr. Mendo suggested. It was called '10 Ways To Kill Your Therapists'. They included:

  * Setting a trap.



(It was unknown how exactly they both survived this, for when they all arrived at their appointment the next day, both Mendo and Kusai were in their usual places unharmed. Hidan refused to tell the others what kind of trap he had set, but being Hidan, they found it highly unlikely it had been quick, painless, or ineffective.)

  * Death by knives.



(After having Kisame set up a trap involving a large amount of kunai, kitchen knives, and a meat cleaver, they had all waited in delight for either one of the two therapists to exit the room. Instead, after the session was over, Mendo stayed behind to do some paperwork while Kusai started talking on the phone with a former client. After an hour, both seemed a little suspicious as to why the Akatsuki hadn't left yet, so in order to throw them off the trail, they were forced to exit through the trapped door. Hidan complained about being used as a human shield, to which the others responded that if he didn't like it, he should have succeeded in killing them right the first time.)

  * Death by fire.



(Itachi pretended to sneeze and 'accidently' set off Amaterasu. Unfortunately, Mendo chose that moment to drop his pen and bend over to pick it up, so that Kakuzu's robe caught fire instead. Itachi put it out, but not before Kakuzu had set Sasori, Hidan, and Kisame ablaze as well.)

  * Hire an assassin.



(The Akatsuki were usually opposed to having others do their dirty work, but needing to recover from dangerous cursed fire burns, they decided it was necessary. Unfortunately for them, their chosen assassin had decided to put the hit on the therapists right when they were in another group therapy session, this one with the Homunculi from Fullmetal Alchemist. The assassin was eaten by Gluttony, though Kakuzu gleefully pointed out that now they would no longer have to pay him.)

  * Poison.



(This was a highly debated method, for several of them thought that perhaps it wouldn't be painful enough, however practicality won out, and Sasori was given the task of creating a poison to put in their tea. Which may have worked fine, if the tea hadn't somehow gotten switched. As it was, they spent the better part of an hour waiting for either Mendo or Kusai to drop, only to have Deidara and Konan become violently ill instead.)

  * Death by poison gas.



(After the ill-fated attempt at poisoning the tea, it was decided that perhaps an odorless airborne poison would work better. The downside was it didn't work, and Mendo and Kusai stepped away unscathed. The upside was they didn't have to go to therapy that day, since the building was temporarily shut down due to a 'gas leak'.)

  * Ambush.



(After coming to the conclusion that the two were far more clever than what they seemed, the group at large decided to wait by Dr. Mendo's car in an attempt to ambush him. They lay in waiting for over 6 hours, only to discover the next day that he walked to work.)

  * Another Ambush.



(The failure of ambush attempt number 1 left the group to wait outside of the building for Dr. Mendo to walk out...only to find he fell asleep in his office. They never did see Kusai either enter or leave the building, which re-enforced their prior assumptions that one of the two was highly skilled and clever.)

  * Set more traps.



(Blaming the first blunder on Hidan's incompetence, the seven remaining members each set a trap of their own. They ranged from elaborate set-ups with letter bombs, gasoline, and poison cobras to the classic poisoned pizza delivery and cut brakes on a car, and even an attempt involving a grand piano falling on the targets, but alas all were failures. They eventually came to the grudging conclusion that indeed, the two were either very skilled (or at least Kusai), very lucky (which seemed the likely case for Mendo), or both.)

  * Explosives.



(Deciding to screw being subtle, Deidara was allowed to rig the therapy room with explosives. However, despite his claims of it being impossible, Deidara instead rigged the explosives for the room across the hall...which Naraku from Inuyasha had been occupying. The resulting battle left Deidara with an acute wariness of wasps, and Naraku in a comatose like state from Itachi's Tsukiyomi. The explosion was blamed on faulty wiring, though again Kusai had stared at them all intently while making notes in her notebook the next day.)

They were finally put to a stop from deciding what to do next when Kusai, seeming bored and tired, told them it wasn't her first rodeo, and that it would be best if they quit before 'someone got hurt'. Still recovering from cursed burns, poison, and demonic wasp stings, the Akatsuki grudgingly conceded the point.

They did, however, give Mendo the journal at the end of the week. He was delighted they found such a 'harmless' way to vent their frustrations, keeping a journal like that, and announced that they had all completed Step 2.

If he made any connection to the journal and the recent 'accidents' in his life over the past week, he never voiced them. Which lead the Akatsuki to believe him indeed just very lucky.


	4. Good Samaritans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Akatsuki attempt good deeds, and ruin a few lives in the process. 
> 
> Also, Itachi really is the only member that's good with children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter so far (I guess I'm making up for the short one before, haha), though when I write I don't really pay attention to the word count, to be honest. Anyways, I'd like to again stress that I am not a psychologist! I'm totally making this stuff up. So if I write something that sounds even halfway intelligent on the subject, it's a happy accident. ;)
> 
> And another thing to note here: For the most part, I tend to write the English translations of jutsu and titles for my fics (example: 'Shadow clone jutsu' instead of 'Kagebunshin no jutsu', 'Big brother' instead of 'Aniki' and so on and so forth), simply because it's easier on my poor spell check. Not always, but most of the time.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. For if I did, I would be filthy rich, and would proceed to hire an army of Naruto cosplayers, whom I would then force to do battle on a daily basis for my amusement. But I do own my OC's, Mendo and Kusai, who might actually battle for me, if I ask nicely.

Step 3: Kindness

xxxxxxx

"Pardon?" said Itachi politely, while the others simply fixed Mendo with looks that obviously inquired to the state of his mental health.

"Step 3: Perform A Random Act of Kindness." Dr. Mendo repeated with cheerful abandon. The looks he was receiving didn't cease.

"Yes, but what exactly does that _mean_?" said Deidara.

"It means just what I said, you're going to go out and perform a random act of kindness to somebody. It's one of the easiest steps there is." said Mendo, still refusing to drop his ridiculous smile.

"And just _how_ is this supposed to help us, exactly?" demanded Hidan.

"I think what my idiot partner means is, how does this help 'reform' us?" Kakuzu clarified.

"Well..." Mendo said slowly, pulling off his spectacles to clean them on the end of his shirt. "As villains, you've almost always selfishly put your own needs first...with the exception of Itachi, here." he added, nodding towards the Uchiha. "Being kind and considerate to others simply isn't one of your defining traits, as a general rule. So this step mostly takes you out of your comfort zone, just in a small way."

When the group continued to give him blank looks, he sighed.

"All you have to do is perform a small act of kindness to somebody, it doesn't have to be a grand gesture. Even if it's simply holding a door open for someone. It's not difficult at all."

More blank looks.

"Just give me either a written or oral report, what ever you're most comfortable with, on what kind act you did during tomorrows session, okay?" said Mendo, putting his glasses back on. "You can leave now."

That, at least, got a reaction out of them. They had all either poofed or bolted before he had the chance to blink.

_The next day..._

"Alright, everyone, I've been looking forward to hearing about your good deeds. Who wants to start?" Mendo asked, in his usual chipper mood.

The Akatsuki's looks at him ranged from disinterest to completely pissed off.

"Well? How did it go?" he tried again, oblivious to the heightened blood-lust in the room. Most of it seemed to be coming from Kisame, who had scratches all over his face, and Deidara, who was bruised and battered looking, with odd lines on his face which Sasori was currently examining with interest. Most of the others simply looked bored or wary, though Itachi was humming lightly, a brown paper bag clutched in his hands.

When it became evident that, once again, no one was going to answer him, Mendo sighed and said "How about you, Hidan?"

"How about me what?" Hidan asked with a yawn.

"What was your act of kindness?" Mendo asked patiently.

"Oh, yeah, that. Uh, I thought about it, and decided that me not killing you right now is a tremendous act of kindness on my part." he said, leaning back in his chair. "Nice of me, eh?"

Mendo sweat-dropped, then decided to try Itachi. "You're always a treasure-trove of information, Itachi. What was your kind act?"

Itachi held up his bag. "It wasn't a grand gesture, I'm afraid." he said, opening the bag. "You see, I bought some onigiri last night before I went home. I was hungry, and they were very good, but I knew that baby brother also loves onigiri. So I saved him one to eat when he came home last night. See?"

He triumphantly pulled said onigiri out of the paper bag, holding it out for all to see.

"That was, ah, very kind of you, Itachi." said Mendo, a sweat-drop still visible. "But..."

"How did you save it for Sasuke if you brought it here?" Hidan asked, while the rest of the group gave Itachi annoyed looks.

"What?" Itachi asked blankly.

"If that's the one you saved, your little brother sure as hell didn't eat it." Hidan snapped with an eye-roll.

Itachi blinked, then looked down at the onigiri in his hand. "Damn." he muttered, before shrugging and taking a bite out of it.

Mendo still looked a little sheepish when he turned to Kisame. "And just what did you do, Kisame?"

Kisame gave Mendo a look of pure murder. "I rescued some kid's kitty out of a tree." he hissed through gritted teeth.

Mendo's face lit up. "That's wonderful!"

"No, he didn't." said Itachi, still munching on his snack, one leg crossed over the other.

"What do you mean, I didn't?! You were there!" fumed Kisame.

"I was, which was how I witnessed you killing the kitty." said Itachi, taking another bite.

"Did you see what the little bastard did to my face?!" yelled Kisame, pointing at the scratches on his face. "Plus I still rescued it, so it counts!"

Itachi glared. "If my onigiri doesn't count, neither does your dead cat."

"That-!" Kisame fumed, while Sasori began to talk over him.

"I entertained the poor distraught child afterward, that's my good deed." he said innocently.

"No, you didn't. You made everything worse." Kakuzu rumbled. Sasori looked mildly offended.

"I don't know what you mean, I helped the poor girl."

"No, you made her scream bloody murder. I'm the one who calmed her down, afterward." said Kakuzu.

"I don't think we witnessed the same events, then. Deidara, you were there, tell them what I wonderful thing I did." Sasori said, raising his eyebrows and turning to his partner.

"I was a little busy, yeah?!" Deidara snarled.

Sasori frowned. "Where you, now? I don't recall."

Deidara looked ready to lounge at Sasori, but Mendo intervened. "Now, what exactly happened? You all seem to have conflicting stories, here. You were all together?"

Kakuzu nodded solemnly. "Yes, it was just down the street from this building, actually."

Mendo nodded. "So what happened?"

"Well, we had all just left, and were deciding what to do, when..."

xxxxx

"What's wrong, little girl?" Itachi asked the sobbing child. She looked to be about 5 or 6 years old, and had been crying steadily since they had walked up to the street corner.

Kisame stood behind him, not paying much attention to them, while Sasori watched the child with mild interest, and Deidara with annoyed wariness.

Kakuzu was sitting on a bench a few feet away, counting some coins, while Hidan poked a dead squirrel he had found under the bench.

"Th-the kitty, he's stuck in the t-tree." the child sniffled, pointing to the tree a foot from the sidewalk they were standing on. "H-he won't come down, either!" she wailed.

The four Akatsuki standing by the girl looked up at the tree. "I see, that's a problem, isn't it?" said Itachi, turning back to the girl. He then looked pointedly at Kisame, who blinked back at him.

"It would be kind to help her, wouldn't it?" Itachi asked pointedly.

Kisame sighed. "I'll get your kitty, kid." he grumbled, walking over to the tree.

"R-really?" the little girl sniffed. Kisame didn't bother to answer, just walked up the tree using his chakra.

The girl's crying started to subside some, though she was still too sniffley for Deidara's taste, who wasn't all that comfortable around children to begin with, so he walked off a ways and left Itachi and Sasori with the kid.

He hadn't gotten very far when he heard a voice ask "Young man, do you think you could help me?"

Deidara looked for the source of the voice and found it to be that of a short old lady with thick glasses, standing on the curb beside him. "Huh?" he asked, annoyed.

"I don't see so well, and I need to get across the street. Do you think you could help me?" she asked, indicating the street with her cane.

Deidara's first impulse was to tell the crone to damn well try it herself, but he hesitated. "I suppose...I've nothing better to do, anyway, hmmm?" he sighed.

"Why, thank you, young man. Much obliged." croaked the woman pleasantly, grabbing his arm.

"Did you find it?" Itachi called up the tree.

"Almost, it's at the end of this branch, here...it keeps running away." came Kisame's gruff reply.

"Try calling for it." suggested Itachi.

"What? I don't-oh, fine. Er, here, kitty kitty kitty." Kisame grumbled, reaching out for the cat. It hissed at him.

"Come on, fur ball, I don't have all-Son of a bitch!" he snarled, as the cat launched itself at his face.

Below, Sasori raised his eyebrows slightly while Itachi frowned, as the sounds of the cat growling and snarling and Kisame's howls of fury echoed around them.

Kisame finally managed to rip the cat from his face and threw it down the tree, where it connected with the sidewalk with a splat, right in front of Itachi, Sasori, and the horrified little girl. Kisame jumped down in front of them as well.

"Uh...got it." he said.

"Oh my." muttered Sasori.

The child started screaming. "Kitty!" she wailed, throwing herself at Itachi's legs and sobbing hysterically.

Meanwhile, Deidara had managed to get exactly 2 feet away from the sidewalk with the woman. The traffic light had long since changed, and cars were whizzing by and honking at them. The old woman was completely oblivious to this, and continued to go on and on to Deidara about her grandchildren, walking at a snail's pace all the while.

A vein pulsed in Deidara's head, and he pulled the woman back a little, just before an oncoming truck could hit her. They made it another foot while she told him about how her little Rei-chan was starting Kindergarden this year.

"Ta-daa!" Sasori cried, brandished his fingers, which were attached to chakra strings, which were in turn attached to the corpse of the cat Kisame had thrown to it's death. "Kitty lives! See kitty, go play with your little friend." he said, making the cat, which was still flat on one side, walk up to the little girl, who stared at it in wide-eyed terror.

It's eyes were still open and glazed, and it's tongue was hanging out. The girl screamed at the top of her lungs and hide behind Itachi, who looked slightly disturbed.

"Plaaay wiiith meeee." said Sasori in a low voice that was supposed to sound like a cat, but instead sounded like creepy zombie. The little girl screamed louder and tried to climb up Itachi.

"Oh, come now, kitty just wants to be petted. Pet the kitty, Kisame." said Sasori, making the cat walk up to Kisame.

He gave it one disturbed look of alarm, then drop-kicked it into the street and oncoming traffic, where it hit the windshield of a bus. The bus swerved and nearly hit a car, before plowing over to the sidewalk Deidara and the old lady were finally approaching.

Deidara yelped in alarm and shoved the old woman out of the way. The bus plowed right over him.

The old woman looked around a second, then shrugged. "Young people, always in such a hurry." she sighed.

Kakuzu walked up to the group with an ice-cream cone. "Little girl, would you like some ice-cream?" he asked, ignoring the shouting match Sasori and Kisame had engaged in.

She looked at him with swollen, tear-filled eyes. "U-uh-huh..."

Kakuzu nodded, and held out the ice-cream. "That'll be 3.75." he said, holding out his empty hand as well. The girl looked at him blankly.

Itachi sighed and pulled a wad of bills and coins out of his pocket and handed it to the girl. She gave the money to Kakuzu, who gave her the ice-cream and a pat on the head.

She trudged off with the treat, giving Kisame and Sasori a wide berth.

xxxxxxxxxxx

"And that's what happened." Kakuzu finished with a shrug.

Mendo, Konan, and Pain all stared at him with their mouths open.

Miss Kusai looked up from her notebook to Itachi. "Pretty much, yeah." he said, answering her unasked question and popping the last bite of onigiri into his mouth. "So what did you two do?" he asked Pain and Konan.

"I put some extra change in someone's parking meter." said Pain, still staring in disbelief.

"And I helped some woman carry her groceries." added Konan, a look like Pain's on her face.

Kusai looked at her notes. "So other than Konan, Pain, and Deidara, none of you managed to pass the excercise. I'm not really surprised." she said in her usual tone.

The other Akatsuki all started to protest.

"We did too!"

"That's not fair!"

"What do you mean?"

"And just how did Deidara pass?! I didn't think becoming a human speed bump was considered kind." protested Sasori.

"What?" yelled Deidara.

"You didn't do anything kind." huffed Sasori. "Getting run over doesn't count."

"I was helping that old crone, wasn't I?" fumed Deidara.

Kusai sighed. "He passed because he actually did help the old lady, not because he became road-kill. The rest of you didn't do anything nice."

"I did too, I gave her the ice-cream." replied Kakuzu.

"No, you sold her the ice-cream." Konan pointed out.

"Yep, for twice what I paid for it, too." said Kakuzu, sounding pleased.

"The point is, all you managed to do was traumatize and take advantage of a 6-year-old girl. No kindness whatsoever, though Itachi, you did pay for the girl's ice-cream, so you pass as well." said Kusai, sitting back down.

By this time, Mendo seemed to have regained his speech. "W-well, half of you got it on your first try. This is a great improvement, overall. And you did try, that's important." he said, pulling out a handkerchief to wipe his face with. "I suppose the rest of you shall just have to try again..."

Kisame, Sasori, Kakuzu, and Hidan all started arguing the point, before Hidan suddenly perked up.

"I told the bus to back up off of Deidara, that's kind, isn't it?" he asked.

"No." said Kusai, Mendo, Itachi, and a very pissed Deidara.


	5. Excuses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forcing fashion changes on the Akatsuki is always a terrible idea. Seriously, who decided on blue nail polish?  
> Also, certain members of the team are entirely too flammable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a bit...I've taken the newest Naruto news hard. :/
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, for if I did the wholesome awesomeness of Minato Namikaze would have lived on, even though I know the whole premise and plot would have been shot to hell if he had. I do however own Mendo and Kusai, who do not care about premise or plot, nor the sacred Akatsuki uniform.

It took all week for the remaining Akatsuki members to perform their good deeds.

Kakuzu beat the crap out of a mugger that had attempted to pick-pocket him, and ended up inadvertently giving some woman her purse back (he regretted this terribly, but at Hidan's advice didn't tell Mendo or Kusai).

Kisame tracked down the little girl he'd traumatized, and presented her with a new kitten (as it turns out, the original cat wasn't hers but a stray, and her father was allergic).

Hidan's cloak got caught in a door, and while he was trying to wrestle it free he ended up holding it open for a group of highschool girls (the rest of the Akatsuki all protested that this just ment he was a pervert, but a somewhat frustrated Mendo said it still counted).

Sasori ended up being the hardest, for no matter what he did he managed to ruin the days (and possibly lives) of whomever he tried to 'help'. Eventually, he showed up to a meeting with Mendo's missing glasses in hand, which Mendo counted as his kind act (nevermind the glasses only went missing after Sasori had left the day before).

Needless to say, the group at large was relieved to move onto the next step.

xxxxx

Step 4: Letting Go

xxxxxxx

Dr. Mendo popped the bottle down in front of him for all to see, his signature grin plastered on his face. They didn't seem to care.

He continued to grin at them all without saying anything, until finally Deidara lost patience. "Well?" he asked.

"Well what?" Mendo answered, still beaming. A vein started throbbing on Deidara's head.

"What is it?" he snapped, pointing at the bottle. It was Miss Kusai that answered him.

"Nail polish remover." she said, though she had never looked up from her notebook.

"Er, what for?" Hidan asked blankly. Kusai looked up from her book at him, but only for an instant.

"Removing nail polish, of course." she said.

Even Itachi looked aggravated, then. "We know that, but why is it here?" he asked her through gritted teeth.

"It's going to help us with step 4." said Mendo cheerily.

"You mean you're finally drugging us?" Hidan asked hopefully. "I've been wondering what you were sniffing before you came in to work, this explains it."

Mendo's demeanor finally slipped a little. "Why-er, what?! No, nothing of the sort! I mean, ah." he sighed and wiped his face with a handkerchief. He cleared his throat and tried again. "We are now starting Step 4: Letting Go of Your Past Life As A Villain."

"You do realize that most of our transgressions are a direct result of us being unable to let go of our pasts, don't you?" Itachi asked politely.

"Why yes, I do." said Mendo, seeming pleased that at least one of them was taking some initiative in the meeting. "But this is going to help in a more...tangable manner."

"Which means?" snapped Deidara impatiently.

"Told you he was high." muttered Hidan.

"I've noticed these last few weeks that you're still wearing your cloaks." Mendo said, ignoring Deidara and Hidan.

"Yes, so?" Sasori asked with a yawn.

"Well, why?" Mendo questioned, his eyebrows raised at them.

"Er, what?" Konan asked this time.

"Why do you wear the cloaks?" Mendo repeated, gesturing at them all. "And the nail polish?"

"Because we're Akatsuki," answered Deidara, as though Mendo was slow. "And it's part of the uniform."

"Ahh, but you're not Akatsuki anymore, are you?" Mendo replied, smiling paternally.

Again, they all stared at him.

"What are you talking about? Of course we're Akatsuki!" Kisame said angrily.

There was a loud _snap!_ as Kusai slammed her book shut. "Actually, you aren't."

She walked in the middle of the group and ignored there angry protests and outcries, then turned to a page in one of her notes.

"The 'Akatsuki' are a group of villains from the Naruto series. You are no longer a part of the series, as we pointed out on day one, and are therefore no longer Akatsuki members." she said in her bored voice. "You are in a villain reforming support group. Again, the Akatsuki are a group of villains." She looked up at them then, staring down each and every one of them. "You are not Akatsuki, as they once were."

"B-but-!" protested Pain.

"Yet you are still wearing those gaudy cloaks and the nail polish because you still associate them with you identities, which you still view as villains a part of the Akatsuki." Kusai went on calmly.

"That's not true!" cried Deidara. Kusai fixed him with a glare.

"So it's a fashion statement, is it?" she asked dully.

"Er..." The Akatsuki looked stunned for a moment. Some started to squirm when Kusai looked at them pointedly.

"They're very warm." Kisame finally announced defensively. The other members all started to nod in agreement.

"I see." said Kusai, making a note in her little book. "You know it's summer right now, don't you? And even in winter here it doesn't get below sixty degrees farenheit."

Kisame seemed at a temporary loss for words, but Sasori found a comeback. "We're very cold natured. It keeps the wind from chilling us."

"Plus it keeps the sun off," added Deidara. "I burn easily."

"Do you now?" said Kusai, before turning her attention to Sasori. "And aren't you made of wood? I didn't think puppets got cold."

"W-well, all the more reason to wear the cloak. Most conventional heating methods are too much of a fire hazard for me, aren't they?" he stuttered defensively.

Kusai almost smirked at him, while everyone else in the room resisted the urge to face-palm. Clearly, they were grasping at straws.

"What about the nail polish, then?" Kusai asked. "I can't really think of any practical reason why you would have that."

All of the Akatsuki looked down at their nails. The half-embarrassed looks of defeat on their faces was almost comical.

"It's a nice color." Konan finally sniffed, holding out her hand.

"So it _is_ a fashion statement?" Kusai inquired, again scribbling in her notebook.

"Uh..."

"It makes me look less blue." Kisame declared, crossing his arms and raising his head in pseudo-dignity.

"It...hides the cracks in my nails?" Itachi suggested.

"It makes my nails look more human." sniffed Sasori.

"Helps hide the blood on mine." Hidan said gravely.

"Ditto." Kakuzu agreed.

"Mine are an unsightly, sickly yellow color without it." Deidara supplied.

"Really." muttered Kusai, scribbling faster.

"If that's the case, why don't you all choose a different color?" suggested Mendo with a sweat-drop on his head.

"Because this shade of blue is manly?" Itachi suggested, almost sheepishly.

"And it makes me look less blue." Kisame reminded him. If you were looking very hard, it almost looked as if he was blushing.

"Since when is nail polish manly at all?" Kusai questioned without looking up. "I think that color looks more feminine, myself."

"We just have our reasons, okay?!" Deidara cried, looking flustered. Most of the others nodded in agreement.

"How about you, Nagato?" Mendo asked politely, smiling at Pain.

"U-um, what?" he asked, looking nervous.

"Well, you're the one who told them to wear the cloaks and polish to begin with...why? And why do you still wear them?" Mendo questioned.

Pain looked down at himself for a minute, not speaking and not moving. Everyone else in the room (minus Kusai) stared intently at him, waiting for an answer. Finally he took a deep breath.

"The cloaks were just part of the uniform, but they are easy to hide weapons and such in, and they're comfortable. They have lots of pockets." Pain said, looking up at Mendo. The rest of the Akatsuki nodded quickly in agreement.

"The nail polish..." he began, glancing quickly around the room. "Well, it's actually a poison-based polish. If we happen to scratch someone in battle, it will slow down their reflexes, you see?" he said, nodding gravely. "It's for battle, and top-secret."

"Really?" asked Hidan, before Kakuzu kicked him. The rest of the Akatsuki muttered and nodded, mimicking Pain's grave manner.

"That wasn't in the report we were given. I've never heard of this," said Kusai, her expression changing to one of mild interest. This somewhat disturbed the Akatsuki, this being the first time they had witnessed her expression differing from her usual bored look.

"Top-secret. Not even Kishimoto himself knows." said Pain, sweat-dropping.

"I see." Kusai said, staring at him without blinking while she turned to a fresh page in her notebook. For his part, Pain didn't look away or blink back.

Finally, Mendo cleared his throat and interrupted their stare-down. "Now, uh, let's get back on topic." he said, raising the nail polish remover and giving it a little shake. "Letting go of your past, remember? I think it's time to let go of those uniforms, don't you?"

"Did we or did we not just give you a list of, er, valid reasons why we shouldn't?" Itachi muttered, glaring at him. This whole meeting had put him in a bad mood.

"You have several reasons, none of which were valid." was Kusai's response. Mendo nodded, somehow making it look patronizing.

"I do believe Miss Kusai has a point. Come now, it won't be difficult." he added as they all gave him looks of incredulity.

"How about we start small, with the polish?" he suggested. Almost in unison, all of the Akatsuki crossed their arms and narrowed their eyes. Mendo sighed.

"How about you take of the cloaks, then? At least for this meeting...?" he coaxed.

More angry glares.

"Must be body conscious." Kusai muttered quietly, sitting down.

"We are not!" snapped Deidara, uncrossing his arms to point at Kusai.

"Then prove it," she said with a shrug.

Deidara sniffed and pulled his cloak off, throwing it in his chair and sitting on it.

"There, see, hmmm? I've got nothing to be self-conscious about, yeah!" he spat as he slumped in his chair.

"You mean, besides the extra mouths on your hands and chest?" Hidan drawled. The vein on Deidara's head started throbbing.

"What was that, zombie-boy?" he hissed.

"You heard me you moth-"

"Alright alright, that's enough!" Mendo cut across quickly. "Um, er, see? Deidara's taking some initiative, so why don't we all-"

"Huh." said Kusai suddenly, staring at Deidara with interest. "I think I must apologize, Deidara. With your cloak off, you look more masculine than Sasori or Itachi."

Deidara deflated a little, then looked smug. "Oh, uh, yeah. Yes I do. I look pretty good, hmmm?"

"He does not!" snapped Sasori, standing and looking offended. "He looks like a flat-chested girl!"

Itachi just stared at Kusai like he couldn't believe she would dare remark that he looked more feminine than Deidara.

"Well, he did when he was wearing the cloak, but now..." Kusai trailed off as she gestured at them.

A few of the others looked back and forth between them, then nodded or shrugged. Sasori looked scandalized, while Itachi simply stood and removed his cloak as well, tossing it over the back of his chair.

"I was only wearing it so I could rest my arm in it anyway." he replied casually as Kisame gave him his version of a 'What the hell?' look. Itachi just shrugged and looked at Kusai pointedly.

"Apologies, you're the epitome of masculinity." she deadpanned, reaching over and taking a sip of her tea.

"Oh please, he still looks like a woman. He and Deidara could be Sasuke and that Yamanaka girl's older sisters." Sasori huffed.

Hidan started laughing, while Kisame managed to turn his snicker into a cough when Itachi turned to him coldly. Deidara looked ready to throw his chair at Hidan.

"At least I've got something to show off! What have you got, bits and pieces sewed, super-glued, and stapled together by Kakuzu?" Deidara sneered at him.

Hidan didn't bother restraining himself and _did_ throw his chair, letting loose a string of explicits as he did so. Deidara dodged and threw Mendo's teacup at him in retaliation; luckily it was empty when it cracked against Kakuzu's face.

xxx

"Was that really necessary, Miss Kusai?" sighed Mendo as a small battle of sorts waged across the room.

Several weeks' worth of frustrations had finally exploded among the Akatsuki. Most seemed to have forgotten about ninjutsu entirely, and were simply beating each other up with either bare knuckles or furniture. Sasori was sitting on Deidara and scraping his face across the floorboards, while Kisame was wielding one of Pain's chakra rods like a sword and smacking people with reckless abandon.

The only exceptions to the royale were Itachi, who looked oddly satisfied as he watched the proceedings, and Konan. Pain had been dragged into the fight after somebody flipped the coffee table into him and he tried to restore order. He was now semiconscious on the floor with said coffee table lying cracked on top of him.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Kusai answered. "Look, they all took off their cloaks, at least."

Sure enough, during the course of the fight they had all removed their cloaks; presumably so as not to restrict their movements during close-combat. Or to keep someone from grabbing hold of them and knocking whoever into the floor, as Kakuzu did to Hidan.

"It looks as though we'll have to work on coping with frustrations again." Mendo said, shaking his head sadly. "They were doing so well, too."

Konan suddenly jumped into the fray, seemingly to attempt to rescue Pain, knocking Sasori off of Deidara in her haste.

Someone chose that moment to lob the empty nail-polish remover bottle at Itachi, who finally cracked. He hurled a fire-style jutsu at the group.

Unfortunately, the bottle was empty because it had exploded all over them while being used as a weapon.

Which was how the Akatsuki discovered just how flammable nail-polish remover was, not to mention how much worse things get when two members are made of paper and wood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. That escalated quickly. Lesson learned, children: Never engage in a bare-knuckles brawl in therapy, especially with a bunch of psychotic ninja who know fire-style jutsu. Bad things happen.
> 
> I feel as though I should add a mini-disclaimer here: I totally made that crap about the Akatsuki nail polish up. Actually, to be more precise, Pain made it up. I really have no idea why they wear nail polish, and my research into the topic came up nothing.


	6. Recovery & (false) Remorse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Akatsuki are making lists, and Kusai is checking them twice.   
> The villains have managed to screw over a good chunk of the population; it should not be that hard to find people to seek forgiveness from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has left comments and kudos! :D
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** You know the drill. I do not own Naruto, for if I did that would mean I was Masashi Kishimoto, which I obviously am not. I do however own Mendo and Kusai, who have implanted themselves so firmly in my brain that I'm seriously considering going to therapy myself just to get rid of them.

It was another two weeks before the Akatsuki had recovered from what became known simply as 'The Flammable Incident'. Coincidentally, that's also how long it took for them to work through Step 2 ("Coping with Your Frustrations in a Positive Way") again.

(It should be noted that during the revisit of this step yet another list of ways to kill your therapists was created, this one much more gruesome and creative than the last. So much so, in fact, that the list itself really isn't appropriate to be fully chronicled here, and was destroyed by Miss Kusai before Dr. Mendo could see it. Needless to say it didn't work, as both Mendo and Kusai were alive and well at the end of the week, though two Arancars, three reformed evil minions, a Cell Jr., and one demon were hospitalized in the aftermath.)

In those two weeks not a single member wore their cloaks - though this had more to do with the fact that said cloaks had been destroyed in the fire than any actual sentiment on the Akatsuki's part. Mendo didn't know this, though, and despite the Akatsuki's unwillingness to remove the nail polish (which he said they would continue working on) delightedly declared them ready to work on the next step.

Unfortunately, Mendo's glee was short-lived, as the replacement cloaks the Akatsuki ordered from the Naruto wardrobe department arrived the day following his announcement, and they went right back to wearing them again.

Only three things kept him from taking it back and forcing them to continue with Step 4, which were:

A) The Akatsuki's point that every time one of them took off their cloak, that member either died or was mortally wounded in some way (like with fire).

B) The fact that not every member came in wearing their cloaks at the same time in meetings, instead choosing to either set them over their chairs or hang them upon arrival, showing Mendo what he perceived as their 'willingness to let go of the past'. (This was completely strategic on the Akatsuki's part, and though Miss Kusai saw right through it, she didn't bother to draw attention to it, likely due to her annoyance with the state of her favorite meeting room after The Flammable Incident.)

C) The promise that this was indeed a work in progress, and that they would be having at least one meeting a week to discuss said progress in the matter regardless of which step they were currently working on.

xxxxxxx

Step 5: Forgiveness

xxxxxxx

"You'll all be happy to know that, with the completion of this step, you'll have successfully done five of the ten steps in this program. Congratulations, lady and gentlemen, you're almost halfway there!" Dr. Mendo cried delightedly, spreading his hands out.

If he was disappointed that this proclamation was met with silence and glares instead of cheers, he didn't show it.

"I think you're using the word 'successfully' a little liberally, sir." Kusai intoned dully from her usual position behind Mendo.

Mendo sweat-dropped as he turned his head back slightly to her. "Come now, Miss Kusai, you'll diminish their sense of accomplishment!" he said quietly, as though he didn't think the Akatsuki could hear him.

Kusai didn't even bother looking up from her notebook. "By all means, I wouldn't want to interrupt the air of excitement in the room."

Looking only slightly put-out, Mendo turned his attention back to the Akatsuki and plastered an even bigger grin on his face.

"Ahem, yes, well...as I was saying, once we complete this step you'll be exactly halfway down the road to recovery, which we all know isn't an easy one, so I hope you all feel appropriately proud of yourselves and-"

"Shit, this is seriously only half?" Deidara groaned, looking very much like someone who'd been told to swallow bleach. "This can't be just half, I can't take that much more! This isn't reformation, this is torture, yeah!"

There was an immediate garble of sounds as the rest of the Akatsuki loudly verbalized their agreement - in between insults to each other and Mendo's parentage, of course. They were only silenced after Mendo had blown into his whistle in three short bursts.

"Alright, now that I finally have your attention!" Mendo cried, sounding harassed. "We can actually get to work on Step 5: Seeking Forgiveness from Those You Have Wronged."

More stares and silence.

"I'm sorry, seeking...what?" Pain asked with forced politeness.

Seemingly pleased someone was finally speaking to him without swearing, Mendo fixed a cheerful smile on Pain before answering.

"Forgiveness," he said, clasping his hands together enthusiastically. He dimmed a little when the Akatsuki continued to stare at him as though he were uttering a foreign language, but kept going anyway.

"The point of this step is to acknowledge the guilt that's been building up on your consciences, seek forgiveness from the parties you have wronged, and start anew on a clean slate. Now typically this tends to be one of the hardest steps for those who've made it this far into the program, but with the initiative you've shown thus far, I really think-"

He was cut off by a snort of raucous laughter from Hidan, followed immediately by the others as they suddenly grasped what Mendo was actually saying.

"Y-you, you w-want us t-to, to," Kakuzu choked between laughter, clutching his sides.

"You actually think we feel _guilty_?" Hidan gasped as he wiped tears from his eyes. "Have you been listening to a single thing we've said this whole time? The only ones with any sort of conscience are Itachi, Leader, and maybe Konan, unless of course Sasori has a snappy little cricket in hiding somewhere we don't know about."

Sasori faltered a bit at the dig even as Deidara and Kisame both laughed harder and fell out of their chairs.

Mendo continued smiling warily, patiently waiting it out until he could speak again. When it became apparent that wasn't going to happen any time soon, Miss Kusai stood and slammed her notebook closed with a loud _snap!_ , quieting them just as effectively as Mendo's whistle.

Taking in the two therapists' demeanor, the Akatsuki felt an impending sense of doom.

"You're not joking, are you?" Sasori finally whispered in a tone very akin to horror.

"Sadly for you, no." Miss Kusai said curtly, opening her notebook again and making a little note.

Sasori blinked at her, then turned swiftly to Mendo. "Explain." he said, approaching panic.

Delighted, Mendo put the glasses he'd been cleaning back on and beamed at Sasori.

"It's simple! We're going to have each of you make a list of the people you've wronged - or the people whom you feel most guilty about wronging, anyway - and then we're going to work on how to make amends to those people and try to seek their forgiveness."

When this was met with even more open-mouthed stares, Mendo sweat-dropped again. "It's really quite straightforward," he persisted. "I mean, so long as you- er, understand?"

Hidan held his hand up. "So let me get this straight. You want us to, to make an actual _list_ of people we've pissed off and get them to _forgive_ us?" he demanded incredulously. "Do you have any idea how many people we've actually screwed over? Hell, I don't know the _names_ of most of the people I've 'wronged', especially considering almost all of them are _dead_."

This was followed by lots of nodding and an immediate chatter of agreement from the others.

"Not to mention," Pain added quietly, squirming in his seat uncomfortably. "That it's not always easy to earn another's forgiveness. Getting everyone's would be nearly impossible."

Mendo nodded sagely at Pain's words, lacing his fingers together on his knee. "Sadly, you're right. But to complete this step you only have to get _one_ person to forgive you, not all of them." Mendo then jumped up and gestured passionately around the room at them. "After all, one person is all you need to get the ball rolling. Your journey to reformation is a marathon, not a sprint. This program is about taking it one step at a time to get to your goals!"

Disturbed, the Akatsuki (and even Miss Kusai) recoiled a little from him.

"Considering our goal was once world domination, I think perhaps you should consider your wording better." Kakuzu rumbled.

Dejected, Mendo sat back down as Kusai began passing sheets of paper around.

xxxxxx

"So, now that we have your lists here..." Mendo began as Kusai stood beside him with said lists in hand. "Let's begin! Miss Kusai, if you could read off the first list?"

Nodding and coughing lightly into her fist before she started, Kusai lifted a piece of paper off the top of the pile that had Sasori's name written at the top.

"'Granny'" she read off, then fixed Sasori with a stare.

He shrugged. "I always felt as if I disappointed her a bit. Though perhaps she wasn't a good one to put down as I'm fairly sure she already forgave me anyway. Something about me being her only grandson and all that."

Mendo nodded in bemusement. "Considering she's personally enquired into the state of your progress no less than three times since you've started here, I'm inclined to agree. Carry on Miss Kusai."

"'All those people I turned into puppets. Except that cat from a few weeks ago, I don't regret that since it was originally Kisame's fault to begin with.'" Kusai drawled in her dull monotone.

Kisame spluttered even as Hidan and Kakuzu snickered and the corner of Sasori's mouth came up in amusement.

"I couldn't be bothered to remember all their names." he clarified calmly.

Mendo sweat-dropped again. Kusai continued.

"'That puppet-kid what's-his-name that I almost killed who's brother is the current Kazekage.' You know, it would help tremendously if you actually knew any of these people's names." Kusai remarked.

Sasori just shrugged again. "I think it was something like 'Kibble' or 'Neko', possibly."

Deidara looked like he had something to say to that, but Mendo interjected before he could voice anything.

"Erm, never mind, he seems like as good a place as any to start. Now can you tell my why he sticks out in your mind as someone to make amends to...?" he asked, piercing Sasori with an unusually intense stare.

Looking uncomfortable as everyone's eyes settled on him, Sasori gave another shrug. "I don't know...I didn't kill him, for one, which is unusual. And I don't hate him with the deep-seated passion I've grown to have for that obnoxious pink-haired girl that helped Granny beat me."

Deidara started snickering. He was cut off by Sasori kicking his shin under his chair.

Mendo sighed and wiped the side of his face with a handkerchief. "W-well I suppose that's...we can discuss the full ramifications of your choices later, for now let's focus on the others' lists. Miss Kusai?" he queried nervously.

Kusai nodded and made a few more little notes in her book, then proceeded to read off the rest of the Akatsuki's 'Guilt Lists'.

"Kisame, you have one 'Killer Bee' at the top of your list. Didn't you refer to him as 'that rapping imbecile' in a precious meeting?"

Kisame scowled. "Yes, because he is. So?"

Dr. Mendo smiled paternally at him. "Well...it doesn't sound as though you feel particularly guilty about him." he pointed out.

Kisame sunk lower in his seat. "I might have seen and heard some rather private things about the idiot while I was spying on him in Same-hada." he grumbled. Itachi's eyes widened incredulously at him, making Kisame sink further into his seat and go a little pink. "Though I think it disturbed me more than it did him."

Now it was the rest of the Akatsuki's turn to look disturbed, though thankfully Mendo didn't ask Kisame to elaborate.

"Deidara has 'Gaara of the Desert' written down. Since I read your file concerning him, I find that a little hard to believe." Kusai noted without looking up.

Deidara leaned back, crossed his legs, and put his arms behind his head in nonchalance. "I might've used his corpse as a couch once, hmmm? I realize now that it might have been rude, yeah."

Hidan and Sasori both dissolved in a fit of giggles. Mendo gave them a stern look, but gave up in favor of motioning for Miss Kusai to carry on. The fact that neither therapist remarked on Deidara's reasoning left the non-giggling Akatsuki members a little disgruntled.

"Nagato and Konan, you both have 'Jiraiya-sensei' down on your lists at the top." said Kusai, holding up two pieces of paper. They were a lot longer than the other members' lists.

Konan and Pain both nodded.

"U-uh, yes, you see, we both contributed to his, um, death." Konan said nervously, twisting the end of her shirt. "Is it okay if we both have the same person on our list?"

Dr. Mendo smiled warmly at her and leaned forward. "Yes, of course it's okay! Though I do think, for the purpose of this exercise, it might be better if you each chose somebody different to make amends to. If that's alright with you, of course?"

Pain and Konan glanced at each other, then back to Mendo. "Uh, sure...I guess I can take Kakashi Hatake, he's the next one on my list." Pain suggested hesitantly.

Kusai nodded her affirmative and Mendo smiled wider. "Alright then. If I may ask, why Kakashi Hatake?"

Pain squirmed.

"I shot him in the head with a rusty nail."

Hidan whistled appreciatively as Deidara, Kakuzu, and Sasori all clapped. Mendo looked less than pleased with their reaction, but again said nothing even as Miss Kusai flipped to a page in her notebook and started writing furiously.

"Kakuzu, who is 'Yasui Okane'?" Kusai finally asked once she was done writing. "I don't remember reading about anyone with that name in your file."

"A guy I owe money to. I let him think I'd paid him back when I hadn't." Kakuzu answered in a perfect imitation of Kusai's monotone.

Kusai flipped a page in her book. "Is he a real person?"

"Of course he is. Why wouldn't he be?"

"His name sounds made up."

"So does yours."

Kusai stared at him and, without ever breaking eye-contact, clicked her pen and made a few more notes. She didn't stop until Kakuzu had looked away and Dr. Mendo cleared his throat.

"Itachi, the first few people on your list have been crossed out."

Itachi looked up from where he'd been watching Kakuzu in slight fascination. "Hmm? Oh, well the first people on my list were all people that have said they've forgiven me anyway." he said sheepishly. "Like baby brother and my parents, for instance. I figured that wasn't allowed, sooo..."

Satisfied, Kusai nodded and consulted the list again. "'Naruto Uzumaki'" she read aloud.

The room was silent save the sound of chairs squeaking across the floor as the rest of the Akatsuki (sans Pain and Konan) all turned to glare mutinously at Itachi. He scowled at them all.

"What?" he snapped, indignant. "I feel a little guilty for taking Sasuke's attention away from him. And traumatizing him for the sake of catching my brother's attention. And possibly for stuffing a crow down his throat. So sue me!" he added, throwing his hands in the air and crossing them sullenly.

"Now now, folks, this is a judgment-free zone!" Mendo protested firmly.

Hidan snorted and shook his head. "Well, screw that. I mean, wow. Nails, crows...you really never know someone until your forced into therapy with them, do you?" he mused aloud.

Kisame groaned and looked ready to punch him for no other reason than to blow off steam even as Kakuzu leaned across to Pain and stage-whispered "If I provide you another nail, think you can take out his vocal cords?"

Hidan was half-way to snarling something insulting and likely starting another fistfight when Kusai walked in front of him and shook a piece of paper at him.

He scowled up at her and snarled "What?"

She shook the paper again. "It's your list."

He frowned at her. "So?"

"It's blank."

He blinked, then rolled his eyes. "Well, you told me to make a list of the people I'd felt most guilty about wronging." he pointed out.

Miss Kusai blinked slowly without changing her expression, then nodded.

"And those are all the people I feel guilty about. Which is nobody." he said, smirking.

Mendo sweat-dropped and pulled his handkerchief out to wipe his head again, but Kusai, unfazed, simply set the list back down on Hidan's lap.

"Then make a list of the people you've wronged, regardless of how guilty you feel." she said simply, clicking her pen. When Hidan made no move to do so, she adjusted her glasses and added "Need I remind you that, until you _all_ complete this step and move on, you're all going to be stuck here in group therapy discussing this, completely at our mercy?"

Hidan paused at that, looking up to see every other member of the Akatsuki leaning forward and glaring at him with murder in their eyes - Itachi quite literally, as he had his sharingan activated.

Kakuzu took Kusai's pen and shoved it in Hidan's hand, then hissed. "Start. _Writing_."

Hidan scowled at him, but took the pen and frowned thoughtfully at his paper.

"Problem?" Kusai intoned when he looked up inquiringly at her.

"Yeah...how do you spell 'humanity'?" he asked seriously.

The rest of the Akatsuki groaned even as Mendo fell out of his chair and Kusai started spelling the word out for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was actually very hard to think of people the Akatsuki could conceivably feel guilty about wronging, though the reasons I chose the people I did will be explained next chapter. ^_^' If you can't tell, most of them are simply humoring Mendo and Kusai at this point.
> 
>  _Coming next chapter..._  
>  We continue working on Step 5, and find out just what 'Making amends' entitles for the Akatsuki... (Hint: the task proves the most daunting of all!)


	7. Very Sorry Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Akatsuki try to seek forgiveness, and traumatize just about every other Naruto character in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late....I've kind of been in mourning over the last chapters of Naruto (haven't we all?), and the holidays have made things hectic. This is the longest chapter yet, so hopefully that makes up for it. 
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos, everyone, I appreciate it! :) 
> 
> Language warning: Hidan has more dialogue in this chap. 'Nuff said.

Step 5: Forgiveness (continued)

xxxxxx

The Akatsuki all gaped at Dr. Mendo, varying degrees of terror, disbelief, and in some cases nausea on their faces.

"Oh HELL no," Deidara choked, eyes (well, eye) wide and horror-stricken. "Absolutely not. No. I won't, and you can't make me!" he shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the doctor, a note of hysteria creeping in.

Sighing and pressing a hand to his forehead, Mendo shook his head. "Come now, don't you think you're overreacting a bit?" he said patiently. "It's a simple, _human_ response. Not difficult at all, and really opens you up to-"

"I'd rather rip my damn arm off." Kakuzu hissed, shoving his hands in his pockets and sinking deeper into this chair.

"Ditto!" Hidan snarled, shaking his fists.

Mendo smiled warmly at them, which, given the circumstances, just creeped them all out even more. "Now now, perhaps you all just have performance anxiety. Maybe we should all practice some before you go out and try it on your own? Or a demonstration, perhaps?" he suggested, standing up.

The response was instantaneous.

"NO!" They all screamed, jumping up and backing as far from Mendo as the room would allow. Kisame even picked up his chair and held it in front of him with the clear intention of fighting the doctor off, if necessary.

"Erm, sir," Itachi began. He alone seemed to find the whole thing hilarious, and was seriously fighting back hysterical laughter. "I don't think it's a matter of anxiety so much as...pride."

Mendo frowned at him, then nodded thoughtfully. "Ah, yes, I see." he said gravely. "But really, it's nothing to be embarrassed about!"

Several Akatsuki members shuddered.

Sighing, Kusai stood. "For God's sake, it's a _hug_ , not a vasectomy." she sniffed, slamming her notebook closed. "It's simple. You walk up to your subject, give what is _supposed_ to be heartfelt apology, and give the subject a hug. Simple." she repeated, adjusting her glasses. "And once you're done you can move on to the next step and cease wasting everyone's time."

Mendo sweat-dropped even as the Akatsuki (sans Itachi, who had dissolved into quiet giggles the second Kusai had said 'heartfelt') all glared murderously at his assistant.

"I'd rather die," Sasori declared, crossing his arms mutinously. Kusai turned her attention to him for a moment, then opened her book and started making notes again. Sasori had to resist the urge to flip her off.

"Well, I suppose if you're truly not ready yet, we can work on 'Letting Go of Your Past Life as a Villain' a little more here..." Mendo suggested.

Itachi stopped giggling immediately while Hidan gave Mendo the stink-eye.

"Look, _you_ can do whatever you want." Hidan sneered. "But you _can't_ make us do anything we don't want, and especially not this!"

At that, Miss Kusai raised her head from her notebook. "Oh?" she said calmly, expression never changing.

A sense of foreboding came over the room.

* * *

 

_One hour later_

"I can't believe they're making us do this." Hidan hissed, arms crossed as he glared at the wooden fence in front of him.

Kakuzu scowled at him.

"Well maybe, if you had kept your damn mouth shut, we could have gotten away with just taking off our cloaks for a few hours and pretending to pour our hearts out on 'letting go of our lives' or whatever the hell Dr. Stupid was going on about." Kakuzu hissed, banging on a panel of the fence in a distinct pattern. "But no, you had to go mouthing off and piss off the silent, evil one."

Hidan sniffed. "How was I to know she had the big guy on speed-dial! And anyway, what are we doing here?" he asked, frowning and turning his head around the alley they were in curiously. It was more than a little seedy-looking, with a brick building on one side and a tall, wooden privacy fence on the other. The dead-end was piled high with garbage and what might have been a nest of some-sort, but for what (or whom) Hidan couldn't tell. "I thought you said we were going to go see that Okane guy?"

Kakuzu gritted his teeth. "We are. This is his usual haunt. If he doesn't answer the door in the next five minutes though, we're leaving and going to go deal with _your_ project." he sneered.

Hidan's face crinkled in fury. "Oh _hell_ no, there is no way I'm going to-"

He was cut off from whatever he was going to say by about three boards worth of the fence swinging forward and hitting him in the face, knocking him to the ground.

An unimpressive man with dark features and a heavy cloak appeared in the space the fence had been, looking annoyed. He spared a glance to Hidan - who was now rolling around clutching his face and swearing profusely - before turning his attention to the only other occupant of the alley and barking a gruff "What do you want?"

Kakuzu, completely unperturbed and ignoring Hidan's antics, gave a sharp nod in greeting. "Okane. It's been awhile."

Okane frowned and squinted at him. "Kakuzu-san? Wasn't expecting you...I didn't think we had any other business on..." he said, narrowing his eyes suspiciously. "What's this about?"

Kakuzu scowled, took a deep breath to steady himself, and gritted his teeth for what felt like the thousandth time today. "Well..."

* * *

 

_Meanwhile..._

Kankuro blinked at the door he had just slammed, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him. He had been rather stressed lately, actually, and it had been affecting his sleep. People hallucinated when they were sleep deprived, didn't they?

Because that was the only way seeing two Akatsuki members standing at his doorstep with huge, fake smiles plastered on their faces made any sense.

Frowning and shaking his head, Kankuro opened the door again, positive he'd either find nobody there or a very disgruntled messenger of some sort.

He didn't.

It was still Deidara and Sasori, who both went from scowling at each other to beaming and waving at Kankuro once they realized the door was once again open.

Kankuro slammed the door again.

Somebody must have drugged his tea. It was the only other explanation.

* * *

 

"Big Brother, we've been over this! You can't be here!" Sasuke groaned, shaking his head and raising his voice to be heard over the hustle and bustle of everyone who was working around them. "Naruto and I are about to have this big smack down-"

"It's more of a dramatic staring contest, once Naruto rescues me." Sakura piped up helpfully from a few feet away. Sasuke shot her a dirty look, then carried on as though she hadn't spoken.

"-and it has nothing to do with you! You were killed off, remember? Go. _Home_." he finished, punctuating the last two words with a jab in the general vicinity of the exit.

Itachi raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm insulted. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you weren't happy to see me." he said, pretending to sound put-out.

Sasuke groaned and threw his hands up in exasperation. "Maybe if you'd quit coming to bother me while I'm working, I would be!"

"In any case, I'm not here to see you, I'm here to see Naruto." Itachi said a little stiffly, more than slightly offended by his brother's less-than-friendly attitude. "Where is he?"

Sasuke frowned and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Why do you want to see him?"

Itachi was debating on whether to tell the truth or lie just to mess with him for being rude when he saw Naruto himself from across the set.

"Never mind, I see him over there." Itachi said, smiling pleasantly and giving his baby brother a pat on the head before making a beeline in Naruto's direction.

* * *

 

Kakashi looked up from his book to fix a stare on the person who had just spoken to him. Though he'd noticed the nervously fidgeting guy (and he could see it was a guy, now that he'd spoken - because at first glance he'd thought it was a girl) leaning against the wall when he'd passed him, he hadn't really seen him as a threat or even familiar. Yet the way he'd said his name implied that he knew him, which was odd.

"Can I help you?" Kakashi asked warily, hoping this wasn't part of a prank somebody was playing on him.

"Uh...yeah, yes, actually." the guy said nervously. "I - er, actually came to, um, apologize to you. About something."

When Kakashi made no inclination he was going to say or do anything, he continued.

"I may have...er, killed you once?" he added, brushing his hair out of his eyes so Kakashi could see them.

Kakashi's eye widened in recognition. "Oh...oh yes, Pain - or Nagato, was it?"

Nagato nodded. "Nagato is fine. But, uh, like I said, I came to apologize...so..." he half-mumbled in embarrassment.

Kakashi blinked and idly wondered if he'd somehow fallen into a parallel universe of some sort. "I...beg your pardon?" he inquired politely, putting his book away.

Nagato looked even more embarrassed. "W-well, I wanted to, um, apologize to you for...you know, causing your death. And trying to shoot a nail through your head. And destroying your village. And...stuff." Nagato said, not making eye contact.

Kakashi stared, then cupped his hands to his ears, sure he had heard wrong. "I'm sorry, did you just apologize for - for killing me?" he asked, baffled.

Nagato nodded, turning red.

Kakashi ogled him for a minute, then turned to look around the area. This had to be a joke. Naruto, Yamato, _somebody_ was playing a bad prank on him.

However, when it became evident that nobody was hiding behind any trashcans giggling at him, Kakashi was forced to admit defeat and turn back to Nagato, who was fidgeting again.

Completely uncomfortable now, Kakashi rubbed the back of his head, a sweat-drop forming. "Ah, well...thank you?" he suggested, at a complete loss as to what else to say. "I mean...ah, I wasn't really holding a grudge or anything. After all, you did bring me back to life, too, so..." he shifted from foot to foot as the realization came over him that he was again late for something, yet for once he had an actual valid excuse, not than anyone was going to believe him. "Ah, may I ask what this is about?" he added, because this was just too weird, even for him.

The look of relief that came over Nagato almost made Kakashi jump. His tension eased, though, once Nagato explained the situation to him.

"I see," said Kakashi, feeling more himself and less like the butt of a bad joke. "So you just need me to forgive you, and then you're done with this little exercise, then?"

Nagato nodded and started to say something else, but Kakashi cut him off.

"Well then, yes. Yes, I forgive you." he said, pulling his book back out and already starting to walk on. "Glad I could be of help. Now if you don't mind, I really am late for something-"

Nagato started a little and moved to cut off Kakashi's path, holding his arm out and wincing slightly. "U-uh, there is actually, um, one more step to the, er, apology." he said, sounding sheepish.

Kakashi sighed and closed his book again. Eyeing the other man warily, he said "Oh alright, what is it?"

"I have to give you a hug." Nagato said, somehow managing to keep a straight face.

Silence.

"No." Kakashi deadpanned, making a hand-sign and disappearing.

* * *

 

"I don't care whatcha here for, yo~! The answer is NO!" Killer Bee rapped, pointing the index fingers of both hands at a very pissed Kisame. "No to gettin' my sword, it likes me more than you. Just beat it, I'm busy, I've got stuff to do!"

If anything, all this just made Kisame even angrier. "I'm not here to get my sword back!" he snapped, a vein pulsing on his head. "And do you EVER talk normally?!"

Bee shrugged and pulled out the notebook he usually wrote his new lines in. "If you're not here to take my sword, watcha here for, dude? 'Cuz so far everything you've said and done has been rude!"

Kisame stared at the jinchuuriki, desperately fighting back the urge to attack him. He somehow managed to quell the impulse, but only by thinking of eating octopus fritters later for dinner.

"It's like trying to talk to the world's stupidest Dr. Seuss character," Kisame muttered to himself, staring heavenward and praying to any deities that were listening to just kill him on the spot and put him out of his misery.

"I heard that!" Bee snapped, and if that came with another rhyme, Kisame was going to throttle him, apology be damned.

* * *

 

_A little later..._

Gaara frowned as he walked into the foyer to find his brother leaning against the front door with one hand on the knob, looking deeply disturbed.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, a hint of worry creeping into his awareness when Kankuro jumped a little at his voice.

"Wha- huh? Oh, no, I mean, uh, I dunno - maybe..." Kankuro mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. "Hey, is it Halloween by any chance?"

Gaara gaped at him, definitely worried now. "Not for several more months. Are you...feeling well?" Because not even Kankuro forgot what month it was.

"Oh. Crap. So those aren't trick-or-treaters, then." he muttered, more to himself than to Gaara. "Okay, back to me losing my mind..."

Gaara's forehead crinkled. "What are you-"

"HEY! Are you going to open the door or just leave us standing here, hmmm?!" someone outside demanded in obvious annoyance. "Bit RUDE to just slam it in our faces, yeah?!"

Gaara and Kankuro both froze. After about thirty seconds had passed, Gaara pointed at the door and asked "Who...who's at the door?"

Kankuro looked immensely relieved.

"Oh good, you heard it too." he sighed. "That means I'm not going crazy after all."

Gaara gaped at him, honestly bewildered, then stalked passed him to throw the door open.

"Finally!" Deidara cried. "Now-"

Gaara slammed the door again.

"There are Akatsuki members on our doorstep." he observed, voice surprisingly even. "Why are there Akatsuki members on our doorstep?"

Kankuro shook his head rapidly. "I don't know! I thought Kishimoto said he got rid of them!" he exclaimed, shooting a nervous glance at the door. "I thought they were supposed to be in therapy or something, not going door-to-door to spread terror!"

"You know we can HEAR you!" Deidara shouted through the door. Kankuro and Gaara ignored him.

"They are," Gaara said, still staring at the door and internally questioning his sanity in much the same fashion Kankuro had been earlier. "He sent them to those therapists Eichiiro Oda recommended after we started to complain about them."

Through the door, they heard Sasori say "Well, that explains a lot."

"So if they're supposed to be in therapy, why aren't they there now?" Kankuro hissed, pointing at the door with vehemence.

"If you'd open the door, maybe we could explain it to you!" Sasori called in his friendliest tone. Gaara and Kankuro couldn't see it, but there was an angry vein pulsing in his head and he was actually very close to just letting Deidara blow the door off.

The brothers looked at each other, and by unspoken agreement moved to open the door a crack - just enough for the two of them to peek through, if they crowded together.

"Well?" Kankuro asked, feeling more than a little silly with his chin practically resting on the top of Gaara's head. "We're listening."

Sasori looked pleased. Smirking at Deidara, he said "See? I told you it was a good idea to prepare a speech!" and pulled out a very long scroll.

With a mounting feeling of disbelief, Kankuro and Gaara remained where they were - smooshed together at their front door and listening to what sounded like a political speech on forgiveness and bygones from Sasori, with Deidara occasionally pitching in.

It didn't take long for the two brothers to become increasingly worried that they had somehow gotten stuck in some kind of bizarre genjutsu.

It got worse once Sasori got to the end of his speech, staring at them expectantly. When they didn't respond, he sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Well?" he demanded.

Kankuro and Gaara exchanged looks.

"I'm sorry, are you wanting applause?" Kankuro asked, bewildered.

Both Akatsuki looked annoyed.

"What? No!" Deidara sniffed, disgruntled. "Do you accept our apology?!"

The brothers gaped at him.

"That was an _apology_?" Gaara asked incredulously.

Sasori looked insulted. "Of course it was an apology, weren't you listening?" he demanded in tones of indignity. "I worked on that for an hour-"

"It was thirty-five minutes." Deidara muttered. Sasori made him yelp by stomping on his foot, but carried on to the Sand brothers as though he hadn't said anything.

"-and I covered all the basics! Mental and emotional trauma, physical injuries, everything!"

Kankuro and Gaara just continued to gape at him in mounting confusion. This was all very surreal.

Sasori sighed. "Obviously it was lost on you," he huffed in annoyance. "I'll just have to start over. Now-"

"No no no no no!" both brothers said quickly, shaking their heads and hands. If there was one thing that had been made clear to them by this strange situation, it was that they couldn't sit through whatever _that_ was again.

"Er, I mean, there's really no _need_ ," Gaara added hastily, for some reason feeling as though he should be diplomatic.

Deidara and Sasori both perked up.

"Does that mean you accept our apology?" Sasori asked, stymied.

"If we say yes, will you go away?" Kankuro retorted, still confused but heading more towards irritated as well.

"Yes." Deidara replied immediately, Sasori nodding enthusiastically along. "Once you, uh, let us give you each a hug first, yeah?" Though a sweat-drop had appeared on his head, he and Sasori both managed to keep the looks of revolt off their faces when he said the last sentence.

The door was slammed in their faces.

* * *

 

"I can't see, are they still chasing us?!" Hidan yelled as he and Kakuzu skidded around the corner, hitting a few garbage cans in their haste.

"What the hell do you think?" Kakuzu snarled, avoiding a lamp post Hidan was unfortunately too blind to see, and therefor hit head-on.

That mace Okane pulled had really blind-sided him, both literally and figuratively.

Things hadn't been going too bad, up until then.

The apology itself had gone fairly well, anyway; true, it had been less than sincere and mostly condescending, but Kakuzu had managed to not be a complete prick about it, and Okane had seemed to have mostly accepted it when he'd finished.

It was when it came down to the hugging part that things had gotten a little messy.

As it was, it went something like this: Kakuzu, knowing more about hugging in theory than in practice, simply reached out and subdued Okane with a full-body bind and squeezed. (Whether or not this was due to his ignorance of normal human affection or because he was simply pissed he'd been forced into the situation was still up for debate.) In any case, that was when Okane - acting as any sane person would if someone like Kakuzu reached out and began squeezing the life out of them - began loudly screaming for some of his associates and proceeded to fight as though his life depended on it; which is how Kakuzu had ended up with a swift kick between his legs and a bite-mark on his shoulder. Kakuzu doubled over after the former, which was when Hidan finally found it prudent to help and Okane - screaming like a man possessed - pulled the mace, using a liberal amount on Hidan.

Things kept going downhill from there.

For one thing, all the screaming and cursing had brought no less than twenty of Okane's men, all ANBU-level ninja who liked to kill first and ask questions later. (Not that there was really any questions to ask - it didn't exactly take a genius to figure out Hidan and Kakuzu were the problem, what with Okane hitting one with a pipe while still pepper-spraying the other.) This meant a fight where the two Akatsuki were not only already incapacitated, but highly out-numbered as well.

Ordinarily, this wouldn't have bothered them.

Unfortunately, it was around this time that they discovered they couldn't manipulate any chakra, due to a seal somebody had apparently recently placed on them.

Considering the seal that appeared on their arms said 'Kusai sends her regards', they had a pretty good idea who that somebody was.

Retreating was decided to be the best option - not that it deterred Okane's men from pursuing.

"I'm going to _kill_ that bitch!" Hidan roared as he righted himself and ran in the direction he perceived Kakuzu was running. "Just as soon as I can fucking _see_ and get this fucking seal off of me, I'm going to-"

He was cut off from whatever vicious threat he'd been about to suggest by Kakuzu grabbing his hair and yanking him up over a wall he'd been about to run into.

Hidan would have found the gesture more touching had Kakuzu not used him as a human shield for a fire-style jutsu a second later.

* * *

 

Naruto scrunched his face up and cocked his head to the side, interlacing his fingers together behind his head.

"Ooookay...thank you, I guess?" he said warily, slightly concerned by Itachi's behavior and shooting Sasuke a questioning look over Itachi's shoulder.

Sasuke responded by throwing his hands in the air in a clear sign of 'I have no idea, but he's your problem now'.

"He's awfully sassy when he thinks I can't see him," Itachi sniffed, rolling his eyes and making Naruto snicker. "Does that mean you accept my apology?" he added, keeping his face and tone neutral.

Naruto shrugged. "Yeah, sure, whatever. Anyway, I need to get back to work, so..."

Itachi nodded. "Yes yes, of course. Just one more thing," he said, reaching out and pulling Naruto into a hug.

Naruto froze, eyes widening and pupils dilating in shock.

"I-Itachi...?" Naruto choked out when he finally found his voice. "W-what are you doing...?"

Itachi responded by patting his head reassuringly. "Shhh, just go with it." he said in a soothing voice.

Naruto blinked, more than a little bewildered, and looked over Itachi's shoulder to see Sakura and Sasuke gaping at them, Sakura pointing at them with her mouth open while Sasuke's eyes looked like they were about to bug out of his head.

"Is Sasuke reacting yet?" Itachi murmured quietly, still not letting go.

Naruto nodded.

"Then feel free to hug back - I want to see how much we can freak him out."

Naruto blinked and, for lack of anything better to do, hugged back.

At that moment, Tobi stomped by, demanding to know if they were ready for him or not. He scowled once he noticed everyone's attention was on the two ninja awkwardly hugging in the corner.

"Great! Something else for the fangirls to start shipping!" he snapped, throwing his hands in the air and storming off in a huff.

Being too busy ogling, nobody noticed him leaving, nor Kakashi coming in.

"Sorry I'm late, but the craziest thing just-" Kakashi began, then froze as he caught sight of what everyone was staring at.

"Oh God, they're here, too!" he cried, making a hand sigh and disappearing before anyone could question him. Not that anyone tried; It wasn't until somebody with a clipboard and an earpiece marched in that anyone realized he'd even been there.

"Was that Kakashi? What the hell did he run off for? And will somebody _please_ get Tobi and tell him to-" the guy froze, frowning and pointing at Itachi and Naruto. "This is not in the script Kishimoto gave me. What's going on?" he demanded, turning to the person closest to him, which by chance was Sasuke.

Sasuke just shrugged, still beyond speech.

Itachi and Naruto didn't break apart until a building next door collapsed with a bang, making everyone jump and run to see what had happened.

"Oh my," Itachi sighed, once they all caught sight of what had caused the collapse - a giant, roaring eight-tailed ox with a blue man in an Akatsuki cloak snarling and clinging determinedly to one of it's tails.

"Is that Octopops? What's the matter with him?!" Naruto demanded, flapping his arms comically, then squinting and shielding his eyes with a hand and adding "And what's that on his tail?"

Sasuke - who was still looking 100% done with everything thanks to Itachi's stunt - let his eye twitch as he pointed to the spectacle and said "Isn't that...?"

Itachi turned then with the intention of a quiet departure, only to be greeted by a sight just as comical and embarrassing as the first.

For in the distance, hurdling right towards them, was the current Kazekage and his brother, riding in the air on some of the former's sand and looking equal parts alarmed and determined, and closely pursued by a giant clay bird.

Even if Itachi hadn't seen the bird he would have known Deidara and Sasori were the ones in pursuit; he could hear the Kazekage's brother and Deidara's shouting match all the way from here.

Before he could even react properly or sneak off like he intended, Sakura and Tobi (who had decided to make a reappearance) noticed the flying objects and started pointing and drawing the others' attention to them. He could tell the exact moment they realized who it was, too, from the way Tobi burst into laughter.

Sighing, Itachi gave up all attempts at escape and sat down, depressed.

They were all going to be working on this step for weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know. Something's wrong with me, and I don't even care. X)
> 
> I want to point out, too, that this was actually even longer originally - I was forced to chop a good chunk of it off, because there was simply waaaay too much going on. So if there's anything that seems missing, it was likely purposeful and will probably be at the beginning of the next chapter, explanation-wise.
> 
> FYI: I like Killer Bee in the series because he's funny in a cracky sort of way, but after doing this I know why I avoid writing him into fanfiction - there is only so much rhyming you can do with dialogue and still have it make sense. -_-' I apologize if he and Kisame's scene seemed too short or spectacularly stupid - I tried.


	8. The Really Bad Unspeakable Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Akatsuki agree never to speak of this moment again.
> 
> Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah, sorry, one of the shortest chapters yet, right on the heels of the longest chapter...so much for uniformity. This just didn't go with the last chapter, and simply wasn't going to fit with the next.

The aftermath of The Day The Akatsuki All Went Completely Bat-Shit Crazy (as the rest of the Naruto characters called it) was a nightmare.

The paperwork alone was enough to make even the mightiest and most organized kage want to cry. Factoring in the property damage and attempted lawsuits, there was enough to make the Naruto crew's best pencil-pushers threaten to quit - and that wasn't even counting the complaints Dr. Mendo and Miss Kusai's office got.

What made everything worse was the fact that the only ones to actually complete the step that day without attacking or being attacked by someone were Itachi (who had Naruto and over a dozen other witnesses backing him) and Konan (who showed up the next day with a massive hangover, leaning against Lord Jiraiya for support).

Evidently, Jiraiya had cheerfully forgiven Konan almost immediately upon hearing her out, but wouldn't hear of her leaving until they'd both sat down and had a proper drink together for old times' sake. Coincidently, this is also how Konan discovered that she does NOT hold her liquor well, having gotten smashed after only a few cups of Sake. Jiraiya didn't go into details, other than saying he couldn't take her home because she couldn't remember where she lived at the time, had been forced to take her back to his place to crash on the couch, and that he now needed a professional to come clean his carpet. This didn't explain all the phone numbers written on Konan's arm, but when questioned, he simply groaned and said he hadn't realized how drunk she was until he'd come back from the restroom. Konan was too ashamed to inquire further.

Hidan and Kakuzu came back covered in a myriad of injuries (Hidan specifically had several weapons sticking out of him, with one side of his person being burned almost beyond recognition), spitting mad and ready to murder the first person to say anything to them. They had eventually given Okane's men the slip at the cost of their dignity, hiding in a garbage dumpster for over an hour until the search had been called off. After that, Hidan bluntly said that if he was forced to apologize and hug a homeless person (as was his project in place of anyone he knew personally, as the general consensus was that him hugging anyone who actually knew him was a terrible idea) at the moment, he'd dismember the poor bastard and send the body parts to Okane and Miss Kusai. For once Kakuzu was in agreement with him on something, so therefore didn't force it.

Kisame was still arguing as to whether or not his attempt counted. He pointed out that he _had_ been hugging one of Bee's tails for at least ten minutes, and already had apologized to the jinchuuriki prior to that. How was it _his_ fault, Kisame argued, if the idiot hadn't been listening to him, and automatically assumed he'd been about to attack when he'd gone in for the hug? He'd even been forced to listen to _more_ awful rapping the whole time, too! Really, Kisame was the victim here. That's what he kept insisting, anyway. Not that anyone else saw it that way.

Sasori and Deidara were still very annoyed and, though they would deny it to anyone who suggested it, deeply insulted by Gaara and Kankuro's refusal to accept their apology. They were even more insulted when they discovered, upon entering the Sand siblings' house, that Gaara and Kankuro had escaped out the back door while Deidara had been blowing the front door off its hinges. This led to Deidara and Sasori taking to the air on one of Deidara's clay birds to search for them, which in turn led to the aerial chase Itachi had witnessed, which ended when Hachibi-mode Killer Bee hit them when they flew too close, knocking all four ninja to the ground and almost stepping on them. (This incident almost caused a war between Cloud and Sand, a war that was avoided simply due to the fact that Gaara and Bee are both nice guys who don't hold grudges and quite rightfully placed more blame on the Akatsuki than each other.)

Poor Nagato was the most down-trodden of the lot. After the first fiasco, he'd gone and found Kakashi a second time and once again been let down, albeit much more gently than the first time. Kakashi had pointed out that, yes, he did accept Nagato's apology wholeheartedly, but no, there would be absolutely no hugging because Kakashi was just not a hugging guy, especially not to near-strangers. End of story. Nagato was disappointed but determined, deciding to go down his list and try those people instead.

Unfortunately, he'd been unable to find Jiraiya (which he now knew was due to the Sannin baby-sitting a drunk Konan in a bar somewhere) and when he'd decided to try Naruto he'd found him defended by Sakura and Sasuke, who obviously were still freaked out by Itachi's display from earlier as in a surprising show of camaraderie they refused to let Nagato see him, saying Naruto had hugged his quota of Akatsuki for the day, and that he could "kiss off and die" (though they will deny that this happened). The next person on his list was Lady Tsunade, but he'd been ultimately too embarrassed at that point to ask for a hug once his apology was done - which is a shame, as she would have done it and had been expecting such, having just talked to Kakashi an hour previously.

Dr. Mendo, in his typical fashion, took it all in stride - in fact, he mostly seemed pleased that a city hadn't been leveled, and remarked that they had all done much better than the Bleach villains had when they'd been confronted with the step. Miss Kusai didn't say a word; simply gathered witness testimony and continued making notes while contacting some of Mendo's lawyers.

However, after a week had passed and the Akatsuki _still_ had made no initiative to try again, Dr. Mendo gave them an ultimatum: Either they all went out and tried again, or they remained in his 'Long-term' program indefinitely (which, from Miss Kusai's slight smirk, they took to mean 'forever').

As horrifying as those two options were, though, the third (and technically easiest) option that was also given was much, much worse: A group hug with their fellow Akatsuki members.

Many tantrums, tears, and curses ensued. A table, one meeting room, a window, and a passing bus were all destroyed. One pedestrian, two more minions, and another Cell Jr. were injured. Kishimoto himself was called three times. But eventually, after much deliberation, more tantrums and more tears, it was agreed: Option 3 it was - though only under the condition that nobody, _nobody,_ ever, EVER spoke of it again. Period.

And so it was on that day - unrecorded but monumental to history and future generations regardless - that _it_ happened; the Akatsuki all got together and had a group hug, timed by Miss Kusai to be exactly five minutes and fifty-five seconds in honor of them completing their fifth step.

(Well, all of the Akatsuki minus Itachi and Konan, who both pointed out they had already completed the exercise and doing it again would be redundant. That, and if Mendo and Kusai forced them they would not be opposed to burning the building and everyone in it, including themselves, down in a blaze of glory.)

Once they were done, Dr. Mendo, Miss Kusai, Itachi, and Konan all clapped (completely ignoring the looks of pure loathing and homicide directed at them), and Dr. Mendo proclaimed them all ready for Step 6: Managing Your Psychotic and Uncontrollable Bouts of Anger and Rage.

It really couldn't have come at a better time


	9. Keep Calm and Carry On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happiness is a choice.  
> Unfortunately in the Akatsuki's case the same cannot be said for anger, which appears to be their default setting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to sangi for leaving a lovely comment, which besides making me grin like an idiot reminded me that, oh yeah, I still hadn't updated this yet. ;)

Step 6: Anger Management

xxxxxx

"Haven't we been through this already?" Kisame complained. "Twice? With the whole 'coping with our frustrations' deal?"

There was a round of nodding and a rumble of sound as the others all warily agreed with him.

Dr. Mendo shook his head. "No no, that was a completely different thing. That was coping with the minor day-to-day frustrations that set you off. _This_ step is about quelling your rage _after_ you're already beyond that point. Something I think we all agree you need to work on, after your behavior with steps four and five." he added in an uncharacteristically stern tone.

The Akatsuki didn't even bother to react. If he thought he was going to be able to guilt them into behaving better, he had clearly learned almost as little as they had during these last few weeks.

Finally, when it was clear that Mendo was waiting for one of them to say something and wasn't going to leave them alone until they did, Sasori rolled his eyes and spoke.

"Why is this even a step? I mean, 'Managing Your Psychotic and Uncontrollable Bouts of Anger and Rage'? Really? Who even has that problem?" he scoffed, rolling his eyes again for good measure.

Miss Kusai chose to answer that, predictably not looking up from her notebook as she did so. "A surprising number of villains are such just for that reason," she said, in her no-nonsense fashion. "Predictably, anger management isn't very high on most evil-doers' lists of things they prioritize."

Hidan, who was still holding a grudge against Kusai and looked for any opportunity to be contrary to her, snorted. "Yeah, but none of _us_ have that problem, do we?" he sneered, smirking with self-satisfaction.

Even as he was saying it, Itachi was groaning and putting his head in his hands.

Miss Kusai raised an eyebrow - which immediately set the rest of the Akatsuki on edge, seeing as that was _almost_ an expression change, which, from Miss Kusai, was practically a scream.

"Don't you, now?" she said, tone never changing but with that eyebrow still raised. Even Dr. Mendo looked a little nervous.

Finally, the eyebrow went down (much to the entire room's relief) as she shifted through her notebook. Once she seemed to find what she was looking for, she stood and walked to the center of the circle of chairs and, never looking up for her notes, pointed at Deidara.

"Blew yourself and nearly your partner up in a rage simply to keep Sasuke Uchiha from getting the better of you." she said as she pointed at him. She didn't wait for him to respond, either - just moved her hand to point at Kakuzu and carried on.

"Flew into a rage when one of your hearts was destroyed and attempted to steal another one right then and there."

Pointed at Kisame.

"You've done everything from kill a cat to attack a jinchuuriki just since you've been here, so I'm not even going to go into detail with you."

Nagato.

"And _you_...the majority of your problems seem to happen once you've flown into a rage. From the incident with Hanzo the Salamander to leveling all of the Leaf village, not counting some of the more classified things I'm not even allowed to repeat in mixed company."

Nagato hung his head in shame as a few of the others looked at him with a mixture of wariness, amusement, and slight admiration.

Miss Kusai turned to Hidan, pointing at him like she had the others, then shook her head. "And I'm not even going to get started on you," she said, actually looking up from her notes to stare at him, then turn to take in the others. "Need I go on?"

"No, you really don't." Itachi said at the exact same time Mendo said "I do think you made your point, Miss Kusai."

Kusai shrugged and sat down, going back to her scribbling.

Mendo sweat-dropped, then cleared his throat. "Ah, yes, well...does anyone else have any more questions?" he asked, wiping his brow with a handkerchief.

Sasori raised his hand, but didn't bother to wait for Mendo to clear him before speaking. "What fresh hell are you going to put us through with this step?" he sighed with resignation.

Mendo frowned at him.

"I don't know what you mean by that, though if you're asking what this step entails..." he said, standing and adjusting his glasses.

The Akatsuki cringed internally. Mendo standing was almost always followed by a huge pronouncement that usually meant things were about to royally suck worse for them.

They weren't disappointed.

"First, I want all of you to picture something that really angers you - and I mean really, _really_ grinds your gears - and I want you to pretend it's right here in the room with you." Mendo said, managing to sound grave even as he gestured around the room comically.

"That won't be a problem." Kisame deadpanned.

Mendo actually smiled at him. "Really? That's very good, now-"

"Can we picturing ripping you- er, whatever it is - to shreds, too?" Deidara asked innocently. Several of the others perked up at the thought.

Mendo faltered a little. "Er, well, I suppose - though really this is just about getting you into an angry mindset, so-"

"Consider it done." Sasori interrupted, looking and feeling much more relaxed as he began mentally decapitating Mendo.

The atmosphere of the whole room immediately eased into one of supreme calm.

Mendo blinked, completely nonplussed as the complete opposite of what he intended came to pass.

Concerned, he scratched the side of his head in confusion, then leaned in to Kusai and whispered "Miss Kusai, did you drug their tea again?"

"Not today, sir." she said without looking up.

Konan, who was sitting closest to them, was the only one to react to that comment. She stared at her tea for a second, then carefully dumped what was left of it into Kisame's nearly empty cup. She did the same to Nagato's tea, but didn't say anything aloud.

"Well, how do you explain this, then?" Mendo said in a low voice, still talking to Kusai and paying Konan no mind. "I thought we agreed no more drugging after step four."

"If I recall, nobody agreed to anything. You simply stated your opinion on the matter and I acknowledged it." Kusai intoned calmly, still not pausing in her notes at all. "However, I still didn't drug them. Not much works well on them, anyway." she added as an afterthought.

Itachi heard them that time. Like Konan, he didn't bother to comment on it - just picked up his tea cup and, upon seeing Kisame's was almost full, dumped the contents into Deidara's instead. The blonde was too busy blowing up Kusai in his head to notice.

"Then what do you call this?" Mendo grumbled as he gestured vaguely, distressed.

At that, Kusai finally looked up to take in the occupants of the room. She shrugged.

"An improvement?" she suggested blandly.

Mendo sighed warily. "Yes, I suppose. But they're supposed to learn to do this _after_ they've been riled up, not before."

Miss Kusai stood and nodded at him.

"Best we start working now, then." she said, clicking her pen once. Then she pelted the pen at Deidara's face without so much as looking at him.

"What the hell, lady?!" Deidara yelped as he shot up and smacked his hand to the side of his face the pen had impacted. "What'd you do that for?!"

Kusai shrugged again. "Sorry," she said, not sounding the least bit like she meant it as she bent over to pick up the pen, which had rolled back near her feet. "Did that make you angry?"

Deidara glared at her. "What do you think?!" he snapped incredulously.

She didn't bother answering him; just clicked her pen and made a few notes. When she was done, she clicked the pen again and threw it at Kisame, who (unlike Deidara) was paying enough attention to catch it.

It exploded in a spectacular shower of ink a second later, covering both him and Itachi in the blotchy black fluid.

Hidan burst into laughter even as Kisame jumped up and swore. Itachi fell backwards in his chair; partially from surprise but mostly from Kisame kicking the front legs out as he jumped up.

"YOU!" Kisame fumed, spluttering angrily in Kusai's general direction. "You, you, you-"

He couldn't seem to decide what exactly he wanted to say, too busy trying to reign in the urge to strangle her. Kusai just stared owlishly at him, taking in the broken pen in his hand for a moment before pulling out another one to make some more notes.

Somehow, Kisame managed to not pick up his chair and throw it at her, though this was likely due to Itachi having grabbed hold of it to pull himself back up.

Once Kisame seemed to have reigned in his temper, Dr. Mendo spoke.

"See now! Look at how well Kisame just handled his anger," he exclaimed, smiling widely at the others. "Why, he completely implemented a calming technique to quell his rage, and _didn't_ violently attack anyone! See, _this_ is what this step is all about! Now, if we can all just continue to take his example and use some of the techniques I suggested in the brochures you found in your chairs when you came in, and..."

Mendo continued to carry on about something he called his 'five easy steps to calming oneself', though everyone started to tune him out almost immediately, instead choosing to focus on Miss Kusai with a wary eye as she finished her writing and made her way over to Kisame.

Kisame narrowed his eyes suspiciously at her and tensed as she dug a hand into her pocket.

"Don't worry," she said calmly, pulling out a handkerchief and handing it to him without actually looking at him. "That wasn't my best pen anyway."

Kisame's left eye twitched. "Sorry, that's your idea of an apology?" he said through gritted teeth.

Kusai shuffled her papers and actually looked up at him.

"Apology? Why would _I_ apologize? You're the one that blew up my pen."

Itachi was knocked off his chair again when Kisame kicked it as Kusai walked away.

* * *

 

Once the Akatsuki actually bothered to read the brochures Mendo and Kusai handed out, they had to admit most of the techniques had merit. After all, Mendo's "Five Steps To Calm Oneself" were fairly straightforward, and mostly involved deep breathing, meditating, counting backwards, and thinking of fuzzy kittens when the urge to violently murder someone arose.

The problem mostly came from A) self-control never being a strong suit for most of them, B) remaining calm and collected simply wasn't a trait they could muster in any capacity under their current situation, and C) Mendo and Kusai were just so damn infuriating.

For instance, how was one supposed to 'remain calm' when someone like Miss Kusai seemed to have made it her personal mission to irritate and sabotage them at every corner - such as the continued ink-pen assaults and purposeful teacup spills at random intervals, which weren't even the most aggravating of her recent activities.

There was also the disastrous group mediation exercise, which mostly involved the Akatsuki sitting there and pretending to empty their minds of bloodlust while Miss Kusai stalked behind them and blew on the back of their necks, which was creepy and mildly annoying at best and positively enraging and unsanitary (Hidan still swore he had felt spit) at worst. The whole thing got really bad when Kisame finally snapped and jerked back to head-butt Kusai only to hit Nagato instead, breaking his nose and starting a brawl that nearly rivaled 'The Flammable Incident' in injuries and destruction.

Though the group yoga class had gone slightly better, the Akatsuki still saw it as worse simply because Mendo had been guiding the class, and the image of him in yoga pants had forever burned itself into their retinas. (It had not been pretty, and at least three members were still seriously considering putting their eyes out.)

They also stumbled a bit when it came down to the meeting on 'using your words, not your fists (or your jutsu, or weapons)' when they were angry; perhaps understandably so, as several people - such as Hidan - assumed that meant they were free to loudly and expletively voice their displeasure in the most rude and obnoxious manner possible, which resulted in yet _another_ brawl when the insults started to include each other and not just Mendo and Kusai. Sasori and Konan were both given high praise for not only not shouting or contributing to the fight, but also managing to apparently mediate through the noise and activity. (Sasori had actually been sleeping with his eyes open and hadn't a clue what was going on until someone had thrown Deidara at him and woken him up, but wisely didn't bother to correct Mendo's prior assumption.)

Things got a little better when Mendo - deciding that perhaps they needed a healthier way to blow off steam and their frustration with each other that didn't include destroying his offices - took them all to the nearby amusement park to ride in the bumper cars, saying that attempting to violently run people you currently despised off of a closed track was excellent stress relief. Not only did this actually work and mellow them all out to the point that they didn't have the desire to stab either therapist in the throat at the end of the day, it had the added bonus of cheering them up considerably and keeping them that way for several days. Mendo was so pleased and relieved with this turn of events that he declared it a new weekly tradition, and even the Akatsuki had to admit it was the most therapeutic thing they had done through this whole ordeal (the lists on how to kill their therapists and mentally doing so during meetings aside, of course).

Unfortunately, things got considerably worse when, after two weeks without a single blow-up or tantrum during any of the 'talk-it-out' meetings or group meditation exercises (the Akatsuki had frankly refused to go through the yoga again, and got away with it due to Kusai agreeing that Mendo was doing more psychological harm than good in that instance), Mendo decided that they had progressed well enough through the step and were ready for their final test.

They were all requested to write down the name of an individual who enraged them just to think about on a slip of paper (Kusai adding in that she and Mendo did not count, and therefore anyone who wrote their names down would have to pick someone else; Hidan was forced to do so twice) and place it in a jar.

You can imagine the Akatsuki's disgust when said individuals showed up at the next meeting.

* * *

 

The Akatsuki could do no more than gape for several minutes in the doorway as they took in the sight of several of the people they hated most standing or sitting in the room with varying degrees of boredom (in the cases of Shikamaru, Tobi, and Danzo), nervousness (Kakashi), or general obliviousness (Killer Bee) in their manner.

"You have exactly sixty seconds to explain what _he_ is doing here," Itachi said in a quiet, dangerous voice, sharingan activated and pointing at Danzo while refusing to actually look at him. "Before I simply use Amaterasu on him and anyone in the general vicinity. And it had better be a _good_ reason, or I'm doing it anyway."

Shikamaru and Killer Bee, who were both on either side of Danzo, wisely stood up and moved to what they hoped wasn't considered 'in his general vicinity'. (Unfortunately they were wrong, as Itachi was considering the whole room as such.) Danzo let out an impatient huff of air, but didn't show any other outward signs of distress. He appeared to be under the (mistaken) impression that Mendo and Kusai would stop Itachi if he actually tried anything.

When Mendo didn't respond right away, Itachi turned to him fully and activated his mangekyo. "Forty-five seconds. Tick-tock."

 _That_ , at least, got Mendo moving. "Now now, let's not be hasty. He's here because I invited him." he said quickly, shaking his hands in a placating gesture.

Nagato cut him off before he could explain further.

"He's not going to be joining us for meetings, is he?" he gasped, sounding stricken. There was an alarmed inhale from Konan.

"Oh God no," Miss Kusai was quick to reassure. "We're here to reform villains, not assholes. There's no fixing _that_. You couldn't pay us enough."

Danzo turned to glare at her in disbelief. She ignored him in her typical fashion.

"What about him, hmmm?" Deidara snapped, pointing at Tobi once he noticed him. "Because if he's going to be here from now on, I'm done, yeah."

"I was invited, too." Tobi chirped despite the fact that the question hadn't been aimed at him. He waved cheerfully at Deidara, who cringed back.

"Twenty seconds!" Itachi hissed.

"I invited _all_ of them!" Mendo called sharply before shooting Miss Kusai a look. Whether it was for what she said about Danzo or her lack of help, no one was sure. "If you haven't noticed, everyone you wrote down yesterday is here. Well, almost everyone," he amended, glancing apologetically at Deidara. "Unfortunately, Sasuke was unavailable, though frankly it was probably for the best-"

"Five seconds, and I still haven't been given a good reason why he's here." Itachi intoned with an eerie sort of calm. Danzo finally started to squirm a little.

"It's your final test for this step!" Mendo exclaimed impatiently. "It's simple - you just have to remain in the room with the object of your fervent hatred for an hour. If you can prove that you can keep your cool for the duration, then we will deem this step a success and move on to the next one." He smiled at them all when he had finished, looking both relieved and immensely pleased with himself.

"I'm sorry, did you say an hour?" Kakashi asked, his arm raised in questioning. "Because I really can't stay that long. I was under the impression I was only going to be needed for a few minutes, and I'm sure there is someplace else I really need to be right now."

"Yeah, I got stuff to do and places to be. Being here long ain't gonna work for me." Killer Bee rapped, crossing his arms. Kisame's left eye twitched.

Shikamaru sighed and leaned back against the wall he was standing by, slipping his hands into his pockets. "I knew Lady Tsunade's vagueness on this mission was going to bite me in the ass." he muttered to himself.

"I've got all day." Tobi commented cheerfully. "Though I was told there would be snacks." he added with the barest hint of accusation in Miss Kusai's direction.

Everyone took a moment to take that in, before Itachi turned back to Dr. Mendo.

"An hour?" he inquired politely.

Mendo nodded, his enthusiasm dimmed somewhat.

Itachi nodded back and hummed, considering.

Danzo scowled and stood with an irritated grunt. "If you're all done with your superfluous chit-chat-"

"Nope. Sorry, can't do it." Itachi sniffed, activating his mangekyo and setting Danzo ablaze with Amaterasu in less than a second.

Fortunately, neither Mendo and Kusai nor the Leaf ninja that came to collect Danzo later could really bring themselves to blame him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even joking when I say I had Pharrel Williams' 'Happy' on loop the entire time I was writing most of this. There's a montage in my head and everything.
> 
> I kept meaning to specify which Akatsuki member wrote which 'guest' down as the person that enraged them the most, but couldn't find the right moment in the chapter to do so. Most of you probably figured it out anyway, but it went as follows:
> 
> Danzo - Itachi, Nagato, Konan
> 
> Killer Bee - Kisame
> 
> Shikamaru - Hidan (After he wrote Kusai and Mendo's names, which of course were both rejected)
> 
> Kakashi - Kakuzu (He originally wrote down Hidan, but Miss Kusai made him change it)
> 
> Tobi - Sasori (Not because Tobi personally enrages him, but because he honestly couldn't think of anyone else off-hand that wasn't already in the room)
> 
> Deidara had Sasuke written down, but he bluntly refused to come when Mendo asked (and understandably so).


	10. Hate Mail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which letter-writing is not a lost art.  
> ....Though in some cases, maybe it should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry this is late, is should have been up weeks ago. That being said, I have good news and bad news.
> 
> Good news: Look! I updated! :D
> 
> Bad news: This is the very last of the pre-written chapters I have left in stock, AND I've misplaced my handwritten notes on this fic, so yeah. With all that's been going on lately, it might be a while before I get to update this again. :/ So advanced apologies - I'll try to churn out a new one for you guys soon!

Overall, the fuss and fallout from setting Danzo ablaze wasn't too bad.

The damage to the actual room was kept to a minimum, since Konan and Nagato managed to collectively chuck Danzo out a window before the fire could spread; an act Miss Kusai did not forget and was actually quite grateful for, and was likely the reason the Akatsuki all ended up passing the step anyway, despite Dr. Mendo's protests.

The official line Kusai ended up using to get him to comply was pointing out what they found after getting everything sorted out and sending someone down to get Danzo's smoldering (and not dead enough for Itachi) body off the pavement below; which was the Akatsuki _not_ killing/attacking/maiming any of the remaining 'guests' while the two therapists had their backs turned. Mendo was forced to admit that this was quite an amazing feat, and considered them passed.

Which meant it was time to move onto Step 7: Using Your Words to Express Yourself Instead of Violent and Increasingly Evil Acts.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Step 7: Using Your Words

xxxxxx

The Akatsuki all approached this step with justified wariness, as something similar from the Anger Management exercises in the previous step had always resulted in disaster. Fortunately for them, there was little actual talking involved.

Almost immediately upon being told the point of the step, each member was given a pen and a piece of paper, as well as instructions to write a letter to their mortal enemy. At first, this was met with the typical blank stares and open contempt most of Mendo's instructions and announcements usually garnered, but once the Akatsuki realized that he wasn't joking and was legitimately giving them permission to scream at people they hated on paper, they jumped right into the exercise with a surprising amount of enthusiasm.

The letters went as follows:

* * *

Dear Danzo,

Hello, remember me? The guy who set you on fire the other day? You know, the one you used in your vendetta against the Uchiha clan? Big brother of Sasuke Uchiha, the boy you tried to kill despite our prior agreement, and the one who killed you out of the series? Ring any bells?

Ah, what am I saying. Of course you remember me. It's not as though you can forget much, what with the copying abilities you have with your STOLEN sharingan. Silly me.

I'm just writing to say I absolutely loathe you from the darkest corners of my partially broken (mostly thanks to you) heart.

Yes, I loathe you. Hate you. Abhor you with every fiber of my being. I find you distasteful, disgusting, and an unworthy member of the human race.

You, sir, are a soulless, hateful, bitter, weak, pitiful, and power-hungry has-been who can't let go of the past.

And, in case none of this is breaking through to you:

I don't like you.

At all.

~~If I ever see you in the same breathing space as my brother again, I WILL END YOU. And let him help. Also, I will call Nagato and Konan (both have been bonding with me over our joined hatred of you), and possibly Naruto, and let them help us.~~

Ah, sorry, please disregard that last sentence. It appears I'm not allowed to make threats in this letter. Apologies (but not really).

On that note, I think it best if I end this letter here.

Worst Wishes,

Itachi Uchiha

* * *

Dear Sasuke Uchiha,

I'm being forced against my will to move my artistic abilities to words and paper, for the sole purpose of 'making myself feel better' by airing my grievances with you in this letter.

It sucks.

Almost as much as you do.

I'm not even allowed to put any explosives in this. My artistic talents are being wasted.

Hmmm, I suppose my grievances with you stem mostly from your superior attitude and arrogance, which you share with your infuriating brother, yeah. Your haughty I-can-do-no-wrong, bow-before-me, I-am-a-mighty-Uchiha attitude. The one that makes people want to smack you in the face. Or blow you up. Or both.

You run around, stealing people's techniques with those stupid eyes of yours, claiming to be above it all when all you are is a copy-cat, a plagiarizer of jutsu and ninja arts. You with your self-righteous mission of revenge nobody actually cares about, picking up and tossing allies like they're fads, constantly changing sides and your mind.

Where do you get off acting like you own the world, hmmm? Who died and made you grand supreme daimyo of everything, yeah?

You're an insufferable brat with big-brother issues, terrible taste in clothes, and even worse taste in companions. Your hair looks like a duck's backside, and all growing bangs did was make you look even more emo.

Also, you're kind of a prick.

Die in agony,

Deidara

P.S. Please please please PLEASE either go give Naruto Uzumaki a hug, or actually kill him. One or the other. We're all sick and tired of hearing him whine about you, and all you're doing is making it worse. Even I'M starting to pity him a little.

* * *

Dear Danzo,

I'm trying to keep in mind what Naruto said to me about the cycle of hatred, but the more I think about you the more difficult I find it.

I really really really really really really REALLY hate you, you horrible, awful, terrible, EVIL man.

I hate you for what you did to Nagato and I, and for taking Yahiko away from us. I hate you for sitting on your self-righteous pedestal while you did it, too.

I was asked to put into words what I felt, but there aren't really any words to describe just how much I hate you and what you've done.

You're a complete douche, and I'm glad Itachi set you on fire.

Sincerely,

Konan

* * *

Dear Might Gai,

I was told to write a letter to my 'mortal enemy', but the more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't actually have one. Since you can't seem to ever remember me and it still pisses me off, I guess you'll do.

I'm not really sure what to write. I'm supposed to tell you why I don't like you - well, the Terrible Two didn't actually _say_ that but it was implied - and tell you why you make me angry, and write all the stuff I really wanted to say to you 'on the inside' (not my wording, Dr. Mendo's) while I was fighting you outside in the real world.

I'm...not entirely sure what they mean, because if I was fighting somebody then it wasn't because there was something I wanted to say to them, it was because I wanted them dead/maimed/subdued/the hell out of my business. If I wanted to talk to them, I would have talked to them, simple as that. But try explaining that to those two psychos, who seem to think everyone has an ulterior motive for everything and that if we just figured out those motives then we would be much more at peace with ourselves and therefore much less likely to try to destroy the rest of the world to match our inner turmoil.

Oh crap, I'm even starting to _sound_ like them.

But back to what I'm supposed to be writing to you. Well, I guess I want to say...you're annoying. And loud. And, even though I know I probably shouldn't open that particular can of worms, rather homely. Also, we've battled multiple times and I've nearly killed your comrades on more than on occasion - why can't you remember me?! I don't exactly have an average appearance or name. I mean, how many blue people do you fight in a week, huh? Frankly, it's insulting. And a little hurtful.

I'm including a picture of me with this letter, so hopefully you'll actually remember who I am now.

Your mortal enemy,

Kisame Hoshigaki (The blue guy from the Akatsuki with the big sword that hangs around with Itachi Uchiha, in case you've already forgotten. Again.)

P.S. I still don't consider you a mortal enemy, but I'd rather eat raw road kill than write a letter to you that says 'yours truly'.

* * *

Dear Miss (What IS your given name?) Kusai,

I {censored} hate your guts.

I {censored} hate your {censored} face.

I {censored} hate your {censored} hair, I {censored} hate your {censored} glasses, and I {censored} hate your {censored} life.

{censored} you, you {censored} {censored}.

{censored} your life. {censored} your job. {censored} your car. And {censored} your favorite color, if you even have one, you {censored} boring {censored}.

I've met a lot of people in my life that I've hated, but you, {censored}, take the cake.

You're a {censored} {censored} {censored}, you {censored} {censored}! I've {censored} never met anyone who {censored} {censored} {censored} me off as much as you {censored} do, and I {censored} hate you more than {censored} anything else in the {censored} universe.

{censored} {censored} {censored} {censored} {censored}! {censored} {censored} {censored}, you {censored} {censored} {censored}!

As soon as I'm out of this 'therapy' hell, I don't care what Kishi does, {censored}, I AM COMING FOR YOU!

Have a {censored} {censored} awful day, {censored}!

{censored} you,

Hidan

* * *

Dear Granny,

How have you been? Is death suiting you well? You always liked playing dead, I suppose you must be enjoying it.

Eh, but on to topic. I'm supposed to be telling you why I hate you and such, and spelling out why I'm angry with words instead of actions. I've always thought actions speak louder than words, myself, but I can't get out of this so why not?

Let's see...I was very hurt when you showed up to fight me with that terrible pink-haired Leaf ninja, siding with her instead of me. Then you didn't even die properly like I wanted you to when we fought, and only keeled over after I had - and for such a stupid reason, too. Didn't you ever think I might have wanted to keep the Kazekage dead? How very rude.

Puncturing the part of me that kept me alive in my puppets was also a bit mean, too, now that I think about it. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't love me, Granny.

My, I suppose there is something to this letter writing business, because I do feel better now that that's off my chest.

Especially knowing there's no hard feelings, right?

Sincerely yours,

Sasori xoxo

* * *

Dear Danzo,

I've never written angry hate mail before, so I'm not sure how it's done.

I don't have a lot to go by, either; Sasori seems to be writing a cordial letter to his grandmother, Deidara is insulting Sasuke Uchiha's sense of fashion, and Kakuzu has been staring contemplatively at a blank wall for half an hour looking like he's just solved the secrets of the universe. If Hidan is to believed it involves a lot of expletives, but Hidan shouldn't be believed under any circumstances so I can't go by that.

I guess I should tell you why I don't like you, but you know why; you killed my best friend.

I suppose I can't really blame you for what happened next and then the years that followed, because those were my actions and my choices, not yours, and you didn't force me to make them. You may have pointed me in a general direction, but it was my own free will that chose the path I did. So no, I won't write about that.

I thought maybe I could try writing about what a wonderful friend and person Yahiko was, but then I figured you wouldn't care anyway, and will probably throw this away when you get it, so why bother. Instead, I'm going to vent a little, and maybe get something off my chest that's been bothering me for a little while now.

You're an arrogant, mean-spirited ass.

And your head looks like a scary alien head I saw in a horror movie once. It's really...disconcerting. Were you born that way, or was it the result of an accident?

Yours Truly,

Nagato, aka Pain.

* * *

Dear Naruto Uzumaki,

Long story short: I'm supposed to be writing a letter to my mortal enemy, and I've chosen you. Why? Because it has occurred to me that that's what I'm supposed to do.

You see, I'm having an existential crises now because the more I think about it, the more I realize the sole purpose of the Akatsuki was to be the big bad guys to your goody-two-shoed, heroic ways and that we were all doomed to crash and burn simply because we were going after you, the hero.

We were told to write these stupid things to our 'mortal enemies' like we have a choice, but technically we're all supposed to write a letter to you because that's where we fall into things in the grand scheme: Mortal Enemies of Naruto Uzumaki.

I've never thought of it before, but now that I have I think I've taken offense.

I don't want you as a mortal enemy. You completely suck, as far as mortal enemies go.

You're not too bright (and I don't care what the others say about you being clever at times, you're an idiot, they're just trying to make themselves look better because they're too embarrassed to admit they were defeated by an imbecile), you're loud and obnoxious, you're a pain in the ass, and just looking at you makes me tired. Most of our 'deaths' weren't even caused by you, but by one of your allies, and you all but slide by on dumb luck, good timing, and other people's underestimations.

Basically, you're just a lucky bastard who happens to be the title character, which means temporary immortality until the series ends.

I hope you get violently killed off in the finale. None of the 'heroic sacrifice' crap, either. Just violent death. You've been impaled, what? Three or four times already? Maybe it'll happen again and then actually stick.

Rot in Hell,

Kakuzu

P.S. Stop whining about Sasuke. Nobody cares. His own brother is even tired of hearing about it. You have like a dozen other boys your age you can befriend and cling to. Go pine after one of them. You can't possibly manage to chase them ALL out of your village.

* * *

If Miss Kusai or Dr. Mendo found anything amiss with the letters when they read them in private, they didn't voice it aloud (though Kusai, of course, took a copious amount of notes).

Surprisingly, the entire Akastuki managed to pass this step on their first day, even Hidan. Unsurprisingly (and much to most of the group's disappointment) the letters were never actually sent to their intended recipients. Mendo and Kusai thought it would probably be for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out to be much harder to write than I originally intended, mostly because I'm no good at 'mean' letters and flames (when I was little, my mother used to tell me if I couldn't say anything nice, I shouldn't say anything at all, and that notion has stuck with me even now). Also, I had to get into each individual Akatsuki member's mindset and keep their prejudices while simultaneously keeping it light and humorous, something I hope I still succeeded in. ^_^'
> 
> Again, sorry in advance for the wait before the next update. And thank you so much to everyone who has commented and left kudos, it really means a lot! :)


End file.
